be·lieve
/bɪˈliv/ [bih-leev]
–verb (used without object)
1.
to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so: Only if one believes in something can one act purposefully.
–verb (used with object)
2.
to have confidence or faith in the truth of (a positive assertion, story, etc.); give credence to.
3.
to have confidence in the assertions of (a person).
4.
to have a conviction that (a person or thing) is, has been, or will be engaged in a given action or involved in a given situation: The fugitive is believed to be headed for the Mexican border.
5.
to suppose or assume; understand (usually fol. by a noun clause): I believe that he has left town.
Faith
-noun
1.
confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2.
belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
6.
the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear would be breaking faith.
7.
the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.
8.
Christian Theology . the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.
jus·ti·fy
–verb (used with object)
1.
to show (an act, claim, statement, etc.) to be just or right:
2.
to defend or uphold as warranted or well-grounded
3.
Theology . to declare innocent or guiltless; absolve; acquit.
4.
Law .
a.
to show a satisfactory reason or excuse for something done.
b.
to qualify as bail or surety.
5Moses describes in this way the righteousness that is by the law: “The man who does these things will live by them.”a 6But the righteousness that is by faith says: “Do not say in your heart, ‘Who will ascend into heaven?’b” (that is, to bring Christ down) 7“or ‘Who will descend into the deep?’c” (that is, to bring Christ up from the dead). 8But what does it say? “The word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart,”d that is, the word of faith we are proclaiming: 9That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. 11As the Scripture says, “Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame.” 12For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, 13for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
Romans 10:5-12
One more word for you:
shame
–noun
1.
the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another: She was overcome with shame.
2.
susceptibility to this feeling: to be without shame.
3.
disgrace; ignominy: His actions brought shame upon his parents.
4.
a fact or circumstance bringing disgrace or regret: The bankruptcy of the business was a shame. It was a shame you couldn't come with us.
–verb (used with object)
5.
to cause to feel shame; make ashamed: His cowardice shamed him.
6.
to drive, force, etc., through shame: He shamed her into going.
7.
to cover with ignominy or reproach; disgrace.
Cheers!
12.28.2010
12.20.2010
time Is closing
it's a another day, the same day
the one that started a long time ago.
I Am part of it.
He was there when it started,
God spoke, and He Was the One who came.
He Was thirsty and then it Was finished.
the sinews and muscles Are faded,
tight then slack, gains and lack.
these days Are numbered, for soon
there Will only Be One.
the Sun Is rising, the day Is new
time Is closing to eternal bliss.
spring time Is making her song
and We Will sing it.
the one that started a long time ago.
I Am part of it.
He was there when it started,
God spoke, and He Was the One who came.
He Was thirsty and then it Was finished.
the sinews and muscles Are faded,
tight then slack, gains and lack.
these days Are numbered, for soon
there Will only Be One.
the Sun Is rising, the day Is new
time Is closing to eternal bliss.
spring time Is making her song
and We Will sing it.
11.02.2010
Medium Burnout
Well, that pretty much says it all. I'm tired. But not that tired. God told me to rest and let Him love me. I didn't realize how freaking hard that is to do. I want to go; I want to achieve; I want to conquer. Even when it is so clear that my effort is counterproductive. I'm just afraid some one is going to say that I'm not working hard enough and "of course your goals aren't coming to fruition, you're too lazy".
Whatevs.
All I can do is all I can do. I've begun to realize that there is a point when activity can be a form of procrastination. It's nice to realize that rest can the most productive thing to do sometimes. It's time to give credit where it is due. It's time to take stock of the ways God picks up the slack. I am just a man, but rest let's me see that I'm a man whom God is helping tremendously.
He is so full of good sense. I want to be able to make the music that is burning inside my dreams, and the fleshly path is hard-nose, take-no-prisoners practice even when it hurts and when you feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall. The Godly way is letting Him call the shots and letting enough be enough, and it is punctuated with the knowledge that it is Him that will bring it to pass.
It's getting my priorities straight and realizing that I am more than just a musician. I'm more than just a husband. I'm more than just an employee. I'm more than just a man. I'm a child of God. I'm the Bride of Christ. I love irony. I love that things seem so backwards in the Kingdom. I want to see these roles filled to satisfaction, but they have to yield to the highest role.
Music is a tough one, because it means so much to me and holds so much promise. To set it aside long enough to receive love in a different medium, to be filled without the music, is so scary. Music is an idol when I can't put it down, especially when it costs me intimacy with God. Whoa...epiphany. So is marriage. Dang.
I need to go think about this.
Whatevs.
All I can do is all I can do. I've begun to realize that there is a point when activity can be a form of procrastination. It's nice to realize that rest can the most productive thing to do sometimes. It's time to give credit where it is due. It's time to take stock of the ways God picks up the slack. I am just a man, but rest let's me see that I'm a man whom God is helping tremendously.
He is so full of good sense. I want to be able to make the music that is burning inside my dreams, and the fleshly path is hard-nose, take-no-prisoners practice even when it hurts and when you feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall. The Godly way is letting Him call the shots and letting enough be enough, and it is punctuated with the knowledge that it is Him that will bring it to pass.
It's getting my priorities straight and realizing that I am more than just a musician. I'm more than just a husband. I'm more than just an employee. I'm more than just a man. I'm a child of God. I'm the Bride of Christ. I love irony. I love that things seem so backwards in the Kingdom. I want to see these roles filled to satisfaction, but they have to yield to the highest role.
Music is a tough one, because it means so much to me and holds so much promise. To set it aside long enough to receive love in a different medium, to be filled without the music, is so scary. Music is an idol when I can't put it down, especially when it costs me intimacy with God. Whoa...epiphany. So is marriage. Dang.
I need to go think about this.
10.12.2010
Blog on a Bus
I thought of a bad joke in honor of writing from a bus equipped with wi-fi, but I think I'll honor good taste instead.
I'm reading. Always reading. I'm reading a book called the Final Quest. I searched the author and saw that under his own website the next couple listings were articles on how he is a heretic. I read a couple then weighed in with my conscious, decided I didn't think he was a heretic. He wrote his book claiming it was shown to him in a prophetic vision.
I am really enjoying the read, though as it has developed it has becoming increasingly convicting. I have felt so near to God, also filled with reverence and fear of Him as well. I have taken my walk so lightly. The eyes of my heart have been so filled with my self, and my shortcomings.
The Final Quest has shown me that I need to fill my eyes with Jesus. I long for my savior so badly. I desire Him, so much. Even so, it isn't enough for me to want him, because He has opened himself to me, and it's my choice whether I will go to Him, even now.
Lord Jesus, I long for you desperately. I have been so broke down by the trials of marriage and the life that you have called me to. It is hard. I feel attacked from all sides, and filled with paranoia. Lord, I thank you for the faithfulness that you have shown me over the course of my short life. I thirst for you, and even as my eyes grow dark for lack of faith, I know that you will always be there for me. Jesus, I can't express in words how much I love you. You are my life. You are the only one who loves me and knows everything I've done. You know my heart, and you still love me. Lord, even in my desire to give you praise for all you've done for me, I still find myself. I gravitate to my own singular soul. Lord, I want to be overwhelmed by your glorious face and not shy away. I don't want to turn from your beauty. Give me words to speak of your majesty.
You are my standard. You are holiness. You are what righteousness means. You are the Son of God. You showed me what true power is. You gave me everything you had. You took my accusations without condemning me as you well could have. You cried vulnerable tears of grief rather than turning away from my brutal sin. You let me crucify you. You let me consume your life, so that I wouldn't have to bear my own guilt.
You gave so that I could give. Lord, now I really want to be like you. The veil has been pulled back from eyes, I desire to give the way you give. I want to bear the accusations and the humiliation for the sake of my accusers. I see how incredible and miraculous you are, and marvel at you strength now that I try to take it the way you did. You are truly the Son of God. What you did is impossible for man. Jesus, help me! I want to lay down my rights, I want to give my life so that other will have grace and love and acceptance. Let me be a vessel of that living water. Jesus. I want you. I want to have you in me, being that all the time. I know that it is true and I rejoice! I know it is. Lord, what I am you know. You know what I am without you, and how I even desire to glorify my brokenness instead of you. I'm consigned to make this about me. HELP ME! Jesus, fill my eyes with only you so that I won't hinder you living out of me. To be enraptured with you at every second of my life is what I desire. Lord I want to lose my life. I don't care about ambitions to succeed in the world. Let me only invest the gifts you've given me to further your glory. Let me just worship you with every single thought and breath.
Jesus, I am desperate for you, and words will not describe my longing. I rejoice that you are here in me. Tell me of who you are. Let me lose myself to find you now.
My child, I love you dearly. I will carry you through what comes in life. I won't forsake you. I will not leave you. I am God. I am love. I have created this world and I will accomplish my victory in every life that I have called. You are among the chosen. You are my child. It is the highest honor to be my child. The spirit of my Son is in you and you are as He is to me, because you have received him. Don't be afraid for what the future holds, and don't be afraid of your own sin, but fear only me, and you will know the path.
I'm reading. Always reading. I'm reading a book called the Final Quest. I searched the author and saw that under his own website the next couple listings were articles on how he is a heretic. I read a couple then weighed in with my conscious, decided I didn't think he was a heretic. He wrote his book claiming it was shown to him in a prophetic vision.
I am really enjoying the read, though as it has developed it has becoming increasingly convicting. I have felt so near to God, also filled with reverence and fear of Him as well. I have taken my walk so lightly. The eyes of my heart have been so filled with my self, and my shortcomings.
The Final Quest has shown me that I need to fill my eyes with Jesus. I long for my savior so badly. I desire Him, so much. Even so, it isn't enough for me to want him, because He has opened himself to me, and it's my choice whether I will go to Him, even now.
Lord Jesus, I long for you desperately. I have been so broke down by the trials of marriage and the life that you have called me to. It is hard. I feel attacked from all sides, and filled with paranoia. Lord, I thank you for the faithfulness that you have shown me over the course of my short life. I thirst for you, and even as my eyes grow dark for lack of faith, I know that you will always be there for me. Jesus, I can't express in words how much I love you. You are my life. You are the only one who loves me and knows everything I've done. You know my heart, and you still love me. Lord, even in my desire to give you praise for all you've done for me, I still find myself. I gravitate to my own singular soul. Lord, I want to be overwhelmed by your glorious face and not shy away. I don't want to turn from your beauty. Give me words to speak of your majesty.
You are my standard. You are holiness. You are what righteousness means. You are the Son of God. You showed me what true power is. You gave me everything you had. You took my accusations without condemning me as you well could have. You cried vulnerable tears of grief rather than turning away from my brutal sin. You let me crucify you. You let me consume your life, so that I wouldn't have to bear my own guilt.
You gave so that I could give. Lord, now I really want to be like you. The veil has been pulled back from eyes, I desire to give the way you give. I want to bear the accusations and the humiliation for the sake of my accusers. I see how incredible and miraculous you are, and marvel at you strength now that I try to take it the way you did. You are truly the Son of God. What you did is impossible for man. Jesus, help me! I want to lay down my rights, I want to give my life so that other will have grace and love and acceptance. Let me be a vessel of that living water. Jesus. I want you. I want to have you in me, being that all the time. I know that it is true and I rejoice! I know it is. Lord, what I am you know. You know what I am without you, and how I even desire to glorify my brokenness instead of you. I'm consigned to make this about me. HELP ME! Jesus, fill my eyes with only you so that I won't hinder you living out of me. To be enraptured with you at every second of my life is what I desire. Lord I want to lose my life. I don't care about ambitions to succeed in the world. Let me only invest the gifts you've given me to further your glory. Let me just worship you with every single thought and breath.
Jesus, I am desperate for you, and words will not describe my longing. I rejoice that you are here in me. Tell me of who you are. Let me lose myself to find you now.
My child, I love you dearly. I will carry you through what comes in life. I won't forsake you. I will not leave you. I am God. I am love. I have created this world and I will accomplish my victory in every life that I have called. You are among the chosen. You are my child. It is the highest honor to be my child. The spirit of my Son is in you and you are as He is to me, because you have received him. Don't be afraid for what the future holds, and don't be afraid of your own sin, but fear only me, and you will know the path.
10.04.2010
The Answer
...seems to be the question.
I reread a bunch of my old post from back when. I was striving really hard to distill some chunk of wisdom into a piece of coherent writing. I wanted every one to capture the essence of the wisdom I thought I had. Looking back over what I wrote and then comparing my life to the ideas I was expressing at the time, I see a big disconnect. I was compensating for the this enormous lack of understanding I felt within by writing all these massive discourses of thought about how my life ought to be.
I realize now that the wisdom that I sought after was not the kind of thing that I could capture in writing. At least not in a direct sense. The forward approach of capturing God through writing is not very effective, actually quite the contrary. But, to say is can't be done is not my intention either.
I see now that the only means to expose God through any creative medium is to fellowship with Jesus. I'm still shaky on how to translate the relationship into a communicable form. It seems that I have to lose all other things to find him, or at least loosen my grip on them so much that it seems to me I will lose them. Then...well, frankly I don't know what happens next. I will find out now.
I reread a bunch of my old post from back when. I was striving really hard to distill some chunk of wisdom into a piece of coherent writing. I wanted every one to capture the essence of the wisdom I thought I had. Looking back over what I wrote and then comparing my life to the ideas I was expressing at the time, I see a big disconnect. I was compensating for the this enormous lack of understanding I felt within by writing all these massive discourses of thought about how my life ought to be.
I realize now that the wisdom that I sought after was not the kind of thing that I could capture in writing. At least not in a direct sense. The forward approach of capturing God through writing is not very effective, actually quite the contrary. But, to say is can't be done is not my intention either.
I see now that the only means to expose God through any creative medium is to fellowship with Jesus. I'm still shaky on how to translate the relationship into a communicable form. It seems that I have to lose all other things to find him, or at least loosen my grip on them so much that it seems to me I will lose them. Then...well, frankly I don't know what happens next. I will find out now.
9.29.2010
SOS
Lord, I'm angry. I don't think actually angry. It's just the level at which I'm registering this emotion. I'm probably sad and hurt. But for the sake for the sake of this conversation I will say I'm angry. I feel like tearing something down. I feel like there is no place for me in this world where I can let it all hang out. I want to open the valve of my heart wide and let it all coming pouring out, but my Christian ideals about how I should I act and worries about what people will think....all the thoughts about how will people will placate me to get me to shut it off. I'm sick of letting it out and having everyone give their empty platitudes. Lord, I feel like we haven't had a talk in so long that hasn't been fettered by doubt. I want to know I can hear you and stop doubt your gentle, comforting voice. I've come to depend on you speaking to me, but with my "hearing abilities" in question I feel hung out to dry. Like the disciples when they said, "to whom will we go, Lord? We've left everything for you, we've got nowhere else to go. There I am. I hate that I'm grieved of my dependence on you. Yes, I know it's redundant. But Lord, You've incited this raging desire for your presence and power and love and now it seems that you've left me with no access to any of it. I don't blame you, well I guess I sort of do. I mean, it's my fault for sure, but I put all my faith in you to give me righteousness and goodness that I long ago realized I couldn't achieve of my own effort, so I guess I do blame you. I at least sit here with a scowl on my face waiting. And even if I am holding myself back from what you are trying to give me, I tell you now, I don't want to! Help me stop hindering myself! I know you took the blame on the cross so we don't need to hash that out again. So. I just want you Lord. I just want you to do miracles through me. I just want you to heal my heart so I can really love people and not feel like a liability waiting to blow up on some one, or step on somebodies toes. Really, honestly, sincerely I tell you this Father: I feel like if I was to say everything that I wanted to in total freedom that I would be outcast from every place on earth. How can I live when I can't open my mouth? I restrain myself so much. I hate it! I hate holding back all the time. I hate being afraid of offending people. In all honesty my frustration about not being to just speak about you all the time is making me very angry at them...and me. And then what have I got to witness? Hate? Dissatisfaction? Anxiety? "Hey everybody! Let me tell about how anxious loving God has made me! Who wants to sign up?"
I'm sorry Lord. You are good. I just don't know what to say. Father I'm so angry and misguided. I need you to set me straight. I know the things I'm saying or out of line, but I can't right myself, so I bring you what I've got. Please work with me. Please honor my honesty. I'm a poor man, I have nothing to offer you. I'm a lowly sinner, I need you mercy. Please be kind to me. I know you will. Help me weep for the overwhelming goodness you show me. You are so beautiful to show me such grace. I'm a bummer of a kid. I hate that I put myself down so much. I know what you think of me, and I know it doesn't line up with this self-pity. But Lord I'm a helpless beggar, with no legs to carry myself to salvation. Please come to me! Oh Father. I'm so sad and hurting. Please comfort me. Please. Please. I want you to hold me and hide me away so I can cry until I'm done crying. Can I scream and beat your chest as you hold me until all my anger goes away? I want to hurt someone for all the hurts that I have in me, will you let me hurt you? Jesus I don't want to but I don't see another way. I don't want to be a savage. I don't want to kill you over and over in my heart with my sins. Jesus. I need you to make me pretty and new. I need you to wash away the ugliness in me. When are you gonna do it? Do I need to know more of how deep and ugly my sin runs? I know more than most and it seems that I haven't even scratched at the surface. When will I be freed from my efforts and burdens? WHEN !?
I don't have the energy for a sustained outburst. I want to be free. Free to be. I just had a taste, but then i get bogged down by the anxiety all around me. I don't know who to trust. I don't know how to trust. I'm still in this big ugly mess making the same tracks in the mud. But no! I'm new. I have the power of faith, the permission to stake my claim on some divine goodness that I don't at all deserve. I deserve it because I take it freely from you! You died for me! oh yes. Okay. This is good. I get it. I can't take comfort from moping any more. No way. You set me free. You did it! I'm holy and blameless and righteous and perfect and lovely and freed from accusation, and it's all a free gift! All because I trust that you did it all for me! Okay. I'm set. Thanks Father. You are so good. You blow my mind. It's like looking the sun. I can't even comprehend you. I love you!
I'm sorry Lord. You are good. I just don't know what to say. Father I'm so angry and misguided. I need you to set me straight. I know the things I'm saying or out of line, but I can't right myself, so I bring you what I've got. Please work with me. Please honor my honesty. I'm a poor man, I have nothing to offer you. I'm a lowly sinner, I need you mercy. Please be kind to me. I know you will. Help me weep for the overwhelming goodness you show me. You are so beautiful to show me such grace. I'm a bummer of a kid. I hate that I put myself down so much. I know what you think of me, and I know it doesn't line up with this self-pity. But Lord I'm a helpless beggar, with no legs to carry myself to salvation. Please come to me! Oh Father. I'm so sad and hurting. Please comfort me. Please. Please. I want you to hold me and hide me away so I can cry until I'm done crying. Can I scream and beat your chest as you hold me until all my anger goes away? I want to hurt someone for all the hurts that I have in me, will you let me hurt you? Jesus I don't want to but I don't see another way. I don't want to be a savage. I don't want to kill you over and over in my heart with my sins. Jesus. I need you to make me pretty and new. I need you to wash away the ugliness in me. When are you gonna do it? Do I need to know more of how deep and ugly my sin runs? I know more than most and it seems that I haven't even scratched at the surface. When will I be freed from my efforts and burdens? WHEN !?
I don't have the energy for a sustained outburst. I want to be free. Free to be. I just had a taste, but then i get bogged down by the anxiety all around me. I don't know who to trust. I don't know how to trust. I'm still in this big ugly mess making the same tracks in the mud. But no! I'm new. I have the power of faith, the permission to stake my claim on some divine goodness that I don't at all deserve. I deserve it because I take it freely from you! You died for me! oh yes. Okay. This is good. I get it. I can't take comfort from moping any more. No way. You set me free. You did it! I'm holy and blameless and righteous and perfect and lovely and freed from accusation, and it's all a free gift! All because I trust that you did it all for me! Okay. I'm set. Thanks Father. You are so good. You blow my mind. It's like looking the sun. I can't even comprehend you. I love you!
9.10.2010
Well...there it went.
I'm married now! The honeymoon phase is still under way. I think it is doubly good because we went through the post-honeymoon-have-a-dose-of-real-life phase already. Phew. Just looking at her makes me weak.
We rode our bicycles 650 miles together before we got married. We unleashed some serious rage on one another. We struggled against the elemental hurdles of life in vast array. The tiredness, the dullness, the frustration and the blaming. We had a deep taste of the harder side of life. Yes, I know, things will get harder. There are always new challenges. But we have seen the Lord carry us through things that should have ruined our relationship, and these trials have bred in us a deeper faith still in Him.
We both felt the will of God was that we get married. We didn't have a lot of support. Mostly raised eyebrows are what we got. From within and without we felt fears and doubt pecking at us periodically. Our parents were supportive.
I've been wounded deeply by the things that have happened in response to my honesty. I have shown that I am who I am, and tried to be transparent. Many people in my life have responded with replies that I am not qualified for the post of "husband". The question resounds violently in my mind. Am I qualified? Am I cut out for the task at hand?
No.
I am not.
Luckily, this is not a problem. My master, Jesus Christ is the one who qualifies me. I step forward into this role and do not fear for the outcome because He has called me to it and though I don't have all the necessary tools to be a husband (or even know what will be required) I trust in the one who does.
That is all I need for anything in this life.
It's funny that I am married now and all my life has changed drastically since even the last post. I am in place I've never been before. I scarcely recognize the face in the mirror these days. And yet I am still the same, because my life is Christ. My destination, the Way, the Truth and the Life are still the same, though the road has become unfamiliar to me.
I had many hopes riding on marriage. I was nursing some fantasy that once I got married it would be the magic spell that would let me relax. Hah. Hah.
I'm am strangely the same as I was before I took my bride. I am glad for it. I realized that I had so much riding on marriage, and now all that hope has been forced to Christ. I think the let down hit me about three weeks before the wedding. Then I trudge toward with this fear that the actual event would be a huge let down. When the day arrived I stepped up to the plate with a resolve. I was ready for marriage because I had to finally put to rest my expectations and I could take whatever it would throw at me in the steadfast love of Jesus. I won't say that it was easy or fun to die to my expectations, but it was good.
I've suffered much from writing honestly and speaking honestly to the people that are in my life, but I have gained much and have been given the assurance the Spirit in me will help me stand in faith in Jesus Christ alone and no good work of my own. What people will say about me is not my concern. I serve God, not men. Humility and meekness are for me a freedom from being judged and ruined by every wayward opinion.
I haven't had a lot of support in the decision to get married. But I have had affirmation from God. Though it may seem foolish, even to me at times, I count the guiding of the Holy Spirit something precious. I want to be serving Him and obedient to Him when the whole world says I'm a lunatic. To know that I could and would stand firm in the Lord even if I stand alone is what I want. To know that I will.
With that I rest my case.
We rode our bicycles 650 miles together before we got married. We unleashed some serious rage on one another. We struggled against the elemental hurdles of life in vast array. The tiredness, the dullness, the frustration and the blaming. We had a deep taste of the harder side of life. Yes, I know, things will get harder. There are always new challenges. But we have seen the Lord carry us through things that should have ruined our relationship, and these trials have bred in us a deeper faith still in Him.
We both felt the will of God was that we get married. We didn't have a lot of support. Mostly raised eyebrows are what we got. From within and without we felt fears and doubt pecking at us periodically. Our parents were supportive.
I've been wounded deeply by the things that have happened in response to my honesty. I have shown that I am who I am, and tried to be transparent. Many people in my life have responded with replies that I am not qualified for the post of "husband". The question resounds violently in my mind. Am I qualified? Am I cut out for the task at hand?
No.
I am not.
Luckily, this is not a problem. My master, Jesus Christ is the one who qualifies me. I step forward into this role and do not fear for the outcome because He has called me to it and though I don't have all the necessary tools to be a husband (or even know what will be required) I trust in the one who does.
That is all I need for anything in this life.
It's funny that I am married now and all my life has changed drastically since even the last post. I am in place I've never been before. I scarcely recognize the face in the mirror these days. And yet I am still the same, because my life is Christ. My destination, the Way, the Truth and the Life are still the same, though the road has become unfamiliar to me.
I had many hopes riding on marriage. I was nursing some fantasy that once I got married it would be the magic spell that would let me relax. Hah. Hah.
I'm am strangely the same as I was before I took my bride. I am glad for it. I realized that I had so much riding on marriage, and now all that hope has been forced to Christ. I think the let down hit me about three weeks before the wedding. Then I trudge toward with this fear that the actual event would be a huge let down. When the day arrived I stepped up to the plate with a resolve. I was ready for marriage because I had to finally put to rest my expectations and I could take whatever it would throw at me in the steadfast love of Jesus. I won't say that it was easy or fun to die to my expectations, but it was good.
I've suffered much from writing honestly and speaking honestly to the people that are in my life, but I have gained much and have been given the assurance the Spirit in me will help me stand in faith in Jesus Christ alone and no good work of my own. What people will say about me is not my concern. I serve God, not men. Humility and meekness are for me a freedom from being judged and ruined by every wayward opinion.
I haven't had a lot of support in the decision to get married. But I have had affirmation from God. Though it may seem foolish, even to me at times, I count the guiding of the Holy Spirit something precious. I want to be serving Him and obedient to Him when the whole world says I'm a lunatic. To know that I could and would stand firm in the Lord even if I stand alone is what I want. To know that I will.
With that I rest my case.
9.01.2010
Exponential Growth
God has called me to live a life of unrestrained obedience because I have been shown His goodness. I cannot disobey the Lord when I consider how good and faithful He is, namely in the offering of His son to die to for me and extend to me inalienable salvation.
To know that He is good is to trust him and I do. So I obey Him because I know that He guides me without letting me be misguided and His will is the best for me, because He loves me so much. He gave everything for me to prove it. I trust Him, and now I have the authority to silence all doubt and fear in the name of Jesus, the name of unquenchable, undeniable Love. He has given me all power to overcome because He has already accomplished it all!
The Lord to whom time is a servant has created the world and redeemed it.
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart, (which is His heart).
To know that He is good is to trust him and I do. So I obey Him because I know that He guides me without letting me be misguided and His will is the best for me, because He loves me so much. He gave everything for me to prove it. I trust Him, and now I have the authority to silence all doubt and fear in the name of Jesus, the name of unquenchable, undeniable Love. He has given me all power to overcome because He has already accomplished it all!
The Lord to whom time is a servant has created the world and redeemed it.
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart, (which is His heart).
8.04.2010
On Crashing
what is happening. i trusted. I left behind my backup plans. I am hurtling toward a bike trip, and a marriage that seems impossible. I suppose the the wise thing to do would be bail out, get a sensible mind-numbing job, and stay single because I can't seem to get close to anyone without hating them, at least some of the time.
But God has told me to do these things that I embark upon. Even though I don't see how I can ever be a decent husband when half the time I feel more like running away, and I don't see how I am supposed to make it all the way anywhere on a freaking bike. Yep. It feels like I'm falling. But the end game result is that this is life has nothing to offer me except Christ. That's all. Everything else is waste. Everything else is passing. My aging body, by half-assed relationships, my struggles, everything I keep occupied with, all a waste if not to receive Jesus.
I hate having to fail. I hate when I feel like the thing I want to do the most is the worst thing I could do. I hate when I don't believe. I hate when I abuse people instead of letting Jesus take the abuse. I fuck-up so much. The times when I don't fuck up are blurred together with the times I do. when does it all stop. I am just tired. and tired. and tired. what am I supposed to do if I don't feel attracted to Shantel all the time? Does that mean I should quit? Does that mean the relationship is a failure. This relationship....dang. If it doesn't feel a certain way then i feel like shit. I hate that. It feels like this relationship is ruling me. Like I have to appease "the relationship" if I want to feel good. Can I dive into the mess knowing that it's gonna be a mess and maybe even a "failure"? Pshhaa. What is a failure in Christ? Nothing. Nothing. Do I want to keep on messing up and being a prick and feeling torn in half between catharsis and peace? Ugh.
Okay. Jesus. You are it for me. nevermind the mess of Shantel and I, nevermind what people will say about us, and about me. Nevermind if they all think i'm a douche bag and that I'm whatever they may say. I've got you. I believe in you. You are my lord. You are my life. Okay. That is okay. I've got enough. I've got enough now. oh the air is so sweet. Thank you lord. oh jesus. Thank you for saving me form the messes. From sin. I surrender everything to you. I give up my life and let you have it all, because if I don't I will ruin it. It's yours. You live my life for me.
But God has told me to do these things that I embark upon. Even though I don't see how I can ever be a decent husband when half the time I feel more like running away, and I don't see how I am supposed to make it all the way anywhere on a freaking bike. Yep. It feels like I'm falling. But the end game result is that this is life has nothing to offer me except Christ. That's all. Everything else is waste. Everything else is passing. My aging body, by half-assed relationships, my struggles, everything I keep occupied with, all a waste if not to receive Jesus.
I hate having to fail. I hate when I feel like the thing I want to do the most is the worst thing I could do. I hate when I don't believe. I hate when I abuse people instead of letting Jesus take the abuse. I fuck-up so much. The times when I don't fuck up are blurred together with the times I do. when does it all stop. I am just tired. and tired. and tired. what am I supposed to do if I don't feel attracted to Shantel all the time? Does that mean I should quit? Does that mean the relationship is a failure. This relationship....dang. If it doesn't feel a certain way then i feel like shit. I hate that. It feels like this relationship is ruling me. Like I have to appease "the relationship" if I want to feel good. Can I dive into the mess knowing that it's gonna be a mess and maybe even a "failure"? Pshhaa. What is a failure in Christ? Nothing. Nothing. Do I want to keep on messing up and being a prick and feeling torn in half between catharsis and peace? Ugh.
Okay. Jesus. You are it for me. nevermind the mess of Shantel and I, nevermind what people will say about us, and about me. Nevermind if they all think i'm a douche bag and that I'm whatever they may say. I've got you. I believe in you. You are my lord. You are my life. Okay. That is okay. I've got enough. I've got enough now. oh the air is so sweet. Thank you lord. oh jesus. Thank you for saving me form the messes. From sin. I surrender everything to you. I give up my life and let you have it all, because if I don't I will ruin it. It's yours. You live my life for me.
7.29.2010
How Deep the Father's Love for Us
today. I leave home. I leave South Dakota. I came here hoping for a reprieve from real life. I got a reprieve from trusting God on the level that I have been trusting him for the last couple months. For what seems like so long now I was trusting him with every decision, well, mostly. I was trusting him with bigger issues than I have to deal with when I'm sleeping under my parent's roof. Now I head back out into the world (as though this place is annexed from it) and I return to the raw sense of needing to trust God, not my parents, for support. At first thought I consider it to be better to be in that state of conscious dependence on God, to be aware of how much I need Him. But in a broader scope of the situation, my judgement seems skewed. I am here at home feeling like I don't really need to trust God for my next meal or safe place to sleep. The realm that my parents have created makes it seem like those kinds of things are a given. And I instinctually say that they aren't and that I should be more aware of the presence of God providing those luxuries day after day. While I believe this is true, I also think that I need to accept more grace for myself and my parents, because in reality we never know the full extent of God's infinite providence. We don't know the complexity of the circumstances that He has arranged for us to exist and thrive or even survive. So, I come home and it seems like my awareness of such things diminishes in comparison to the way things have been; is that okay? Does He still continue to provide in the face of my lacking gratitude?
He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. -Matthew 5:45
This shows His glory. What a mysterious, self-sufficient God that can give beyond the measure that those receiving can even understand much less thank him adequately. He is truly amazing. I feel so unfulfilled when I give to someone who will never know that I helped them. Yet God shows me that He can do it and be ever-joyful.
Praise you, Lord. Let me glorify you by my weakness and your mighty power working in me. Let me be humble, receiving your Spirit to do the work that I so long to do. Let your love make me faithful. I pray that your will be done, and that I accept all that you do as good. Let me see that no tradgedy can be befall me that won't be transformed by you into blessing, and that it is already so because the context that Jesus created by life, his death and his life. Amen.
He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. -Matthew 5:45
This shows His glory. What a mysterious, self-sufficient God that can give beyond the measure that those receiving can even understand much less thank him adequately. He is truly amazing. I feel so unfulfilled when I give to someone who will never know that I helped them. Yet God shows me that He can do it and be ever-joyful.
Praise you, Lord. Let me glorify you by my weakness and your mighty power working in me. Let me be humble, receiving your Spirit to do the work that I so long to do. Let your love make me faithful. I pray that your will be done, and that I accept all that you do as good. Let me see that no tradgedy can be befall me that won't be transformed by you into blessing, and that it is already so because the context that Jesus created by life, his death and his life. Amen.
5.30.2010
Person
I just made a public profile. I hope I don't get famous. But I do. But I don't.
Shoot. Jesus. I'm famous, huh?
Yeah. Well. Fame can't ruin me. Everybody will know who I am soon enough, because everyone who is anyone is family.
At any rate, fame is Jesus'. He started this whole thing, He's the ringmaster. And everything corruptible in me is dead on the cross. I'm not afraid of fame.
I wouldn't mind everyone seeing what's going on here though. Jesus, you're doing some great work. I won't be afraid to be earnest and sincere, even though that isn't very chic these days. I won't say whatever. I'm going to be...honest. I would love for every one to see this, see me, because I want to love more people and I want to be loved by more people. I won't be self-depreciating because it is hip. God said that when we love each other it is the full expression of Him, so I'm down for people to love me and I'm down to love others. More God!
Shoot. Jesus. I'm famous, huh?
Yeah. Well. Fame can't ruin me. Everybody will know who I am soon enough, because everyone who is anyone is family.
At any rate, fame is Jesus'. He started this whole thing, He's the ringmaster. And everything corruptible in me is dead on the cross. I'm not afraid of fame.
I wouldn't mind everyone seeing what's going on here though. Jesus, you're doing some great work. I won't be afraid to be earnest and sincere, even though that isn't very chic these days. I won't say whatever. I'm going to be...honest. I would love for every one to see this, see me, because I want to love more people and I want to be loved by more people. I won't be self-depreciating because it is hip. God said that when we love each other it is the full expression of Him, so I'm down for people to love me and I'm down to love others. More God!
5.18.2010
Grateful x 100
1. Jesus' love for me
2. Freedom from sin
3. The ability to love fearlessly
4. Yellow shoes
5. Wisdom
6. Peace
7. Camping
8. Book bags
9. The Alexander Technique
10. "The Secret"
11. My cowboy wallet
12. My beard
13. Shantel Nichole Lockett
14. Cheesy sax solos
15. Guitar
16. Electric drum sets
17. Bike trips
18. Billy Bones
19. Computers
20. Blogs
21. My siblings
22. Children
23. Thai food
24. Sushi
25. Lists
26. Afros
27. Shantel's smile
28. The Artist's Way
29. Parents
30. Caleb Mitchell
31. Jimi Hendrix
32. Africa
33. Persian Food
34. 12 oz. Decaf Americanos with no room
35. The number 1
36. Surprises
37. Kept promises
38. The Holy Spirit
39. Epic Sagas
40. Moshe Feldenkrais
41. The Street Bean
42. Dreams
43. Simplicity
44. Wonder
45. Hands
46. My fingers
47. My teeth
48. My tattoos
49. My body
50. Lauren Overholt
51. My brown pants
52. Popping zits
53. Farting
54. The Bible
55. My blue sweater with the rip in the shoulder
56. New Horizons
57. Enemies
58. Swimming
59. Fish
60. Space
61. Forests
62. Bridges over creeks
63. Books
64. Reading in the woods
65. The stars
66. Running
67. Trampolines
68. Busking
69. Soccer
70. Ice skating
71. Brains
72. My intelligence
73. My life
74. My desires
75. The Beatles
76. Radiohead
77. Comfy chairs
78. Miracles
79. Marijuana
80. Cookies
81. Inventing
82. Lasers
83. Critical Mass
84. Pink gorilla suits
85. Billy in a pink gorilla suit
86. Gorillaz
87. Free association
88. Metacognition
89. Tracing my steps backward in thought
90. Diving boards
91. Elementary school band
92. Jake and Abby Grove
93. Being loved
94. Forgiveness
95. Traveling
96. Freedom
97. Triumphs
98. Ends
99. Beginnings
100. Mystery
2. Freedom from sin
3. The ability to love fearlessly
4. Yellow shoes
5. Wisdom
6. Peace
7. Camping
8. Book bags
9. The Alexander Technique
10. "The Secret"
11. My cowboy wallet
12. My beard
13. Shantel Nichole Lockett
14. Cheesy sax solos
15. Guitar
16. Electric drum sets
17. Bike trips
18. Billy Bones
19. Computers
20. Blogs
21. My siblings
22. Children
23. Thai food
24. Sushi
25. Lists
26. Afros
27. Shantel's smile
28. The Artist's Way
29. Parents
30. Caleb Mitchell
31. Jimi Hendrix
32. Africa
33. Persian Food
34. 12 oz. Decaf Americanos with no room
35. The number 1
36. Surprises
37. Kept promises
38. The Holy Spirit
39. Epic Sagas
40. Moshe Feldenkrais
41. The Street Bean
42. Dreams
43. Simplicity
44. Wonder
45. Hands
46. My fingers
47. My teeth
48. My tattoos
49. My body
50. Lauren Overholt
51. My brown pants
52. Popping zits
53. Farting
54. The Bible
55. My blue sweater with the rip in the shoulder
56. New Horizons
57. Enemies
58. Swimming
59. Fish
60. Space
61. Forests
62. Bridges over creeks
63. Books
64. Reading in the woods
65. The stars
66. Running
67. Trampolines
68. Busking
69. Soccer
70. Ice skating
71. Brains
72. My intelligence
73. My life
74. My desires
75. The Beatles
76. Radiohead
77. Comfy chairs
78. Miracles
79. Marijuana
80. Cookies
81. Inventing
82. Lasers
83. Critical Mass
84. Pink gorilla suits
85. Billy in a pink gorilla suit
86. Gorillaz
87. Free association
88. Metacognition
89. Tracing my steps backward in thought
90. Diving boards
91. Elementary school band
92. Jake and Abby Grove
93. Being loved
94. Forgiveness
95. Traveling
96. Freedom
97. Triumphs
98. Ends
99. Beginnings
100. Mystery
Wonder
God.
He's real.
Inside of me.
I love. Words are so inadequate. I just love.
He is living in me.
Praise God, Jesus, Lord of All.
He has given me all.
Praise the Lord!
He's real.
Inside of me.
I love. Words are so inadequate. I just love.
He is living in me.
Praise God, Jesus, Lord of All.
He has given me all.
Praise the Lord!
5.16.2010
Near
The time is coming...the time is here.
The time of what? I was about to write the time that I would move out of my apartment and embark on a journey of homelessness and living in full dependence on God....but that wouldn't be true.
The time is here. Today I live in the bounty of God's goodness. He has given all I need today. And He will give me everything I need, want and desire in Christ, eventually.
So, knowing that He is faithful, and he has made such grand promises, I will live as though I have already the promises He's given me. He is the great I Am. Not the Great I Will, or the Great I Did. Yes, He will, and yes He did, but primarily He is. So I will take Him primarily on that basis. He lives inside me. He breathes life into this mortal body. I do all things through him.
Jesus turned blind eyes into seeing eyes. Jesus made crooked legs straight. Jesus materialized bread and fish and wine. Jesus walked on liquid as though it was a solid. Jesus told a dead man to live and he obeyed. Jesus's died and then started living again. Jesus flew into heaven on a cloud. For real.
I claim to believe that this very person is occupying my being. And yet I don't expect to see him acting the way he did in the only story I have ever heard about him when he had his own body? Hmmmm......disconnect.
It's time to start believing that the God, the Master, the Owner, The Controller of the Universe and things even greater really lives in me. What is it he can't do? Nothing. Time to reckon with the power that I have been given, and expect in faith the results.
The time of what? I was about to write the time that I would move out of my apartment and embark on a journey of homelessness and living in full dependence on God....but that wouldn't be true.
The time is here. Today I live in the bounty of God's goodness. He has given all I need today. And He will give me everything I need, want and desire in Christ, eventually.
So, knowing that He is faithful, and he has made such grand promises, I will live as though I have already the promises He's given me. He is the great I Am. Not the Great I Will, or the Great I Did. Yes, He will, and yes He did, but primarily He is. So I will take Him primarily on that basis. He lives inside me. He breathes life into this mortal body. I do all things through him.
Jesus turned blind eyes into seeing eyes. Jesus made crooked legs straight. Jesus materialized bread and fish and wine. Jesus walked on liquid as though it was a solid. Jesus told a dead man to live and he obeyed. Jesus's died and then started living again. Jesus flew into heaven on a cloud. For real.
I claim to believe that this very person is occupying my being. And yet I don't expect to see him acting the way he did in the only story I have ever heard about him when he had his own body? Hmmmm......disconnect.
It's time to start believing that the God, the Master, the Owner, The Controller of the Universe and things even greater really lives in me. What is it he can't do? Nothing. Time to reckon with the power that I have been given, and expect in faith the results.
5.11.2010
5.09.2010
Rescue
I am in love because I look and see that I am loved.
I am holy because I look and I see holiness.
I read the book "Alive" some time ago and it moved me. Something about the story gripped me so tightly, and stuck in my heart.
I believe the span of life can be compared to the time that the survivors on the mountainside heard the helicopters in the distance. It seems like such a short moment between the time that they first saw signs of their rescue and the time that they were back in their homes, especially compared to the seemingly eternal 72 days of waning hope. But even as it was such a short moment, it was big enough to encompass all of this life, in the light of who Jesus Christ is.
We have heard the report of our imminent rescue. The way their hearts lifted from the doom of the harsh mountains, even at the sound, is what the Good News is capable of. They were already in their loved ones' arms at the sound; they were already feasting; they were already free from the clutches of death though they still sat in the same dirty fuselage in the Andes that was to be their tomb. All at the sound of rescue. All the force of hope came barrelling down like an avalanche at a single sound.
We are that avalanche waiting to be released by a shiver of sound. Every human heart is prepared by the work of Jesus to come crashing down with the force of the Spirit, all it needs is the triggering of a sound.
The Good News.
I am holy because I look and I see holiness.
I read the book "Alive" some time ago and it moved me. Something about the story gripped me so tightly, and stuck in my heart.
I believe the span of life can be compared to the time that the survivors on the mountainside heard the helicopters in the distance. It seems like such a short moment between the time that they first saw signs of their rescue and the time that they were back in their homes, especially compared to the seemingly eternal 72 days of waning hope. But even as it was such a short moment, it was big enough to encompass all of this life, in the light of who Jesus Christ is.
We have heard the report of our imminent rescue. The way their hearts lifted from the doom of the harsh mountains, even at the sound, is what the Good News is capable of. They were already in their loved ones' arms at the sound; they were already feasting; they were already free from the clutches of death though they still sat in the same dirty fuselage in the Andes that was to be their tomb. All at the sound of rescue. All the force of hope came barrelling down like an avalanche at a single sound.
We are that avalanche waiting to be released by a shiver of sound. Every human heart is prepared by the work of Jesus to come crashing down with the force of the Spirit, all it needs is the triggering of a sound.
The Good News.
Jesus
Another post. I was afraid for a second that if I write too much no one will read my posts. But that isn't why I write is it? Nope.
Today. Jesus.
Tomorrow. Jesus.
The day after tomorrow. Jesus.
The day I die. Jesus.
The day that I fail. Jesus.
The day that I succeed. Jesus.
The day that I live. Jesus.
Today. Jesus.
Today. Jesus.
Tomorrow. Jesus.
The day after tomorrow. Jesus.
The day I die. Jesus.
The day that I fail. Jesus.
The day that I succeed. Jesus.
The day that I live. Jesus.
Today. Jesus.
5.07.2010
Walk On
101 blog posts.
101 moods.
101 views.
101 primal screams.
101 reverent whispers.
101 dichotomies.
101 memories.
101 doubts.
101 miracles.
101 heartbreaks.
The poetry to be created in every moment of every human life is the voice of God. From losing yourself in passion to deep contemplative self inspection, God ranges in the human field.
Jesus, my lord. I am unsure again. I have sinned against you. I've looked at porn. I masturbated. I struggle at this moment to claim your faithfulness. Was it ever anything more than your faithfulness that kept me sane? No. Of course not. Yet I wince with sorrow at my drift from the truth. Why, Lord, do I keep on slipping into the denial of your faithfulness? Why do I continue to act out of a fear that you won't be enough, good enough, fun enough, happy enough, loving enough, gentle enough, patient enough, generous enough?
I don't want to masturbate any more. I don't want to lust any more. I want to be secure in you, and know it so deeply that I am not motivated out of fearful deceptions to sin. Let me be confident forever more that you are in me, and that I am free from condemnation, that I don't need to degrade myself with unworthy behavior, with self punishment. Let me know that I am worthy to do good, and that it is right for me to be righteous for who you are in me.
I tell you Lord, though I know you already know,(it's more for my sake) I have felt that it is so much harder to do good for fear that someone may think I'm not worthy of it, though I have longed to do a good work many a time and not acted. I fear people being offended at my selflessness. I fear they look at me and hate me for the conviction goodness brings to them. I fear their jealous hatred of my taking the good portion you have given me. I'm scared God. I don't want them to hurt me. I don't want them to abandon me if I strive to do your work. I don't want them to think me a prude. I don't want to be called a square. I don't want them to leave me out. I don't want to be a loser to them. Yet, over and over I fall into sin because I am too scared to claim the fullness of Christ in me, so I continue to act out a different identity: that of a sinner, of a godless, empty vessel. Help me believe that I am set from the lie, and from the sin, and that no darkness is in me as I am in you.
Make me know always that I am in you and worthy to be your servant, that I am adequate as I am in Christ, perfect, perfectly equipped for a holy and righteous life, without blemish, just as you are without blemish.
I will confess my sin and bear no shame for the things I have done, for I believe that they are entirely absolved by you. I will fear no rejection, because I long for you above all.
Thank you for the peace and the assurance that I have in you, Jesus. Thank you that you erase the debt of sin, the hanging over debt that would crush me. I will grieve with joy. The sorrow that I have missed the mark will be tempered with the certainty I cannot miss The Mark, because he lives with in, and steadies my aim on you.
What can your servant say, now? I just want to talk to you. I'm addicted to words. I could go on and on. I just love you so much and I wish that I could just pour my heart out without incessant talking. I could just spew forever. Would I say anything that really captured the prey my hearts hunts? No. Probably not. Even so I feel compelled to talk, or write, as in I can't stop.
God. I love all you have taught me, yet I struggle not to let it cloud the simple truth and function of the Good News. You are faithful, Jesus proved it. You don't give up, and you have paid the full price. All I have to do is believe that, in every situation, no matter how irrelevant it seems, it is the most effective work, and the only work. It is the truth of your faithfulness that over arches all other activity.
You will take care of me, make me perfect, and you have done it all in the Cross, by dying and rising. Okay. Rest. No worries. You have got me. I've got you. Good News. Good Night.
101 moods.
101 views.
101 primal screams.
101 reverent whispers.
101 dichotomies.
101 memories.
101 doubts.
101 miracles.
101 heartbreaks.
The poetry to be created in every moment of every human life is the voice of God. From losing yourself in passion to deep contemplative self inspection, God ranges in the human field.
Jesus, my lord. I am unsure again. I have sinned against you. I've looked at porn. I masturbated. I struggle at this moment to claim your faithfulness. Was it ever anything more than your faithfulness that kept me sane? No. Of course not. Yet I wince with sorrow at my drift from the truth. Why, Lord, do I keep on slipping into the denial of your faithfulness? Why do I continue to act out of a fear that you won't be enough, good enough, fun enough, happy enough, loving enough, gentle enough, patient enough, generous enough?
I don't want to masturbate any more. I don't want to lust any more. I want to be secure in you, and know it so deeply that I am not motivated out of fearful deceptions to sin. Let me be confident forever more that you are in me, and that I am free from condemnation, that I don't need to degrade myself with unworthy behavior, with self punishment. Let me know that I am worthy to do good, and that it is right for me to be righteous for who you are in me.
I tell you Lord, though I know you already know,(it's more for my sake) I have felt that it is so much harder to do good for fear that someone may think I'm not worthy of it, though I have longed to do a good work many a time and not acted. I fear people being offended at my selflessness. I fear they look at me and hate me for the conviction goodness brings to them. I fear their jealous hatred of my taking the good portion you have given me. I'm scared God. I don't want them to hurt me. I don't want them to abandon me if I strive to do your work. I don't want them to think me a prude. I don't want to be called a square. I don't want them to leave me out. I don't want to be a loser to them. Yet, over and over I fall into sin because I am too scared to claim the fullness of Christ in me, so I continue to act out a different identity: that of a sinner, of a godless, empty vessel. Help me believe that I am set from the lie, and from the sin, and that no darkness is in me as I am in you.
Make me know always that I am in you and worthy to be your servant, that I am adequate as I am in Christ, perfect, perfectly equipped for a holy and righteous life, without blemish, just as you are without blemish.
I will confess my sin and bear no shame for the things I have done, for I believe that they are entirely absolved by you. I will fear no rejection, because I long for you above all.
Thank you for the peace and the assurance that I have in you, Jesus. Thank you that you erase the debt of sin, the hanging over debt that would crush me. I will grieve with joy. The sorrow that I have missed the mark will be tempered with the certainty I cannot miss The Mark, because he lives with in, and steadies my aim on you.
What can your servant say, now? I just want to talk to you. I'm addicted to words. I could go on and on. I just love you so much and I wish that I could just pour my heart out without incessant talking. I could just spew forever. Would I say anything that really captured the prey my hearts hunts? No. Probably not. Even so I feel compelled to talk, or write, as in I can't stop.
God. I love all you have taught me, yet I struggle not to let it cloud the simple truth and function of the Good News. You are faithful, Jesus proved it. You don't give up, and you have paid the full price. All I have to do is believe that, in every situation, no matter how irrelevant it seems, it is the most effective work, and the only work. It is the truth of your faithfulness that over arches all other activity.
You will take care of me, make me perfect, and you have done it all in the Cross, by dying and rising. Okay. Rest. No worries. You have got me. I've got you. Good News. Good Night.
5.05.2010
Love Has No Limit
Tight.
I can love people and not be compelled to react to hate. I have the power in Christ to love without ceasing. I don't have to judge anyone. I can look for Jesus in every single eye I meet, and love regardless of the reaction or reception.
No one can stop me. No ill-tempered response can deter me. No one can steal the joy of love from me. No matter how hard they abuse me, no matter how hard they hate, I have the ultimate power of the universe residing inside me. Love. Jesus had the spirit of God in him, allowing him to love without fear, and he has given it me.
I can love every one as I love Jesus, because I believe that he has really made peace with the entire world through his own sacrifice for us.
I can look at every person as though I know them, because I know that Christ is in all, whether they believe or not. I can be so bold and so fearless. I trust him. He is that strong.
I can respond to hate with love, real genuine love. Love that searches for a root of good even when there isn't one apparent. Love that really cherishes God in all of his creation, even those who don't yet believe. Even in those that hurt me. It used to seem an enormous sacrifice to love and hate those that would hurt and condemn me. Now it seems mostly selfish because I am only refuse to let them cause me to hate and judge, refusing to let them cause me to hate and judge myself with them. I choose to keep on loving, because loving feels better, even when it hurts.
If they recieve my love when they hate me, then I have a friend! If they refuse then I am avenged, punished by their own pride and inability to recieve grace. I simply cannot lose since God is for me. Love is the ultimate weapon, because it creates unity and drives away those opposed to it to destroy themselves.
Wooo!
It's all because of Jesus.
I can love people and not be compelled to react to hate. I have the power in Christ to love without ceasing. I don't have to judge anyone. I can look for Jesus in every single eye I meet, and love regardless of the reaction or reception.
No one can stop me. No ill-tempered response can deter me. No one can steal the joy of love from me. No matter how hard they abuse me, no matter how hard they hate, I have the ultimate power of the universe residing inside me. Love. Jesus had the spirit of God in him, allowing him to love without fear, and he has given it me.
I can love every one as I love Jesus, because I believe that he has really made peace with the entire world through his own sacrifice for us.
I can look at every person as though I know them, because I know that Christ is in all, whether they believe or not. I can be so bold and so fearless. I trust him. He is that strong.
I can respond to hate with love, real genuine love. Love that searches for a root of good even when there isn't one apparent. Love that really cherishes God in all of his creation, even those who don't yet believe. Even in those that hurt me. It used to seem an enormous sacrifice to love and hate those that would hurt and condemn me. Now it seems mostly selfish because I am only refuse to let them cause me to hate and judge, refusing to let them cause me to hate and judge myself with them. I choose to keep on loving, because loving feels better, even when it hurts.
If they recieve my love when they hate me, then I have a friend! If they refuse then I am avenged, punished by their own pride and inability to recieve grace. I simply cannot lose since God is for me. Love is the ultimate weapon, because it creates unity and drives away those opposed to it to destroy themselves.
Wooo!
It's all because of Jesus.
5.03.2010
Hallelujah
Praise. Pure and simple. By choice. By compulsion. By existing.
Thank you Jesus, for giving me the proof in deed that the world is redeemed, and the hand of your Father reaches throughout.
Let there be no darkness in me, no thought of impurity. Let me not consider the evil deceptions of this world, and devote my mind to the contemplation of your perfect truth that consumes all.
Let me not waste time trying to understand the problem when you have already solved it.
Let me loose wildly indiscriminate strokes of love, full of passion like a child. Let me be consumed by the needs of the world around me to be renewed in your infinite power. Let my desire to spread the light of the truth crash like waves on the landscape, being broken only to come again with another swell of love.
I have fallen apart so many times, and you have raised me from the ashes every time. Every time.
The flow of this story is being narrowed and refined, as the scope broadens. The possibilities of my life flood the plain as the dry patches of doubt and barren fields of fear are squelched.
The model, the metaphor is the only thing adequate to encompass the undefined truth of the promises you have given me. Yet with my blind eye I see the future, I feel its warm outline in the ever lengthening rays of events passed. The past creates an image of the future, and the beginning belies the end. I Am.
I am, too. I am. I am. In. I Am.
Like riding on the tail of a comet, I follow I Am into being, into all, always.
I wonder if, since it started when He started it, I have always been a part of it. He crafted me in my mother's womb, a statement of the past, for every being to ever hear it. He died for me while yet a sinner. Past. He lives in me now. Present, always, even when the present was the past, and so shall it be in the future, as he promised. The promise: Eternity. The future, which is a present yet to be. Are we eternal even now? When time stops and the movement of the universe comes to an end, will we cease to quiver with joy?
So we are. The Kingdom of Heaven is near. The time for those who believe to experience the joy of salvation is now, for it is finished, perhaps even as it started.
I will go now to my home. I will lay in my bed. Perhaps another night will pass, and another sunrise will occur. Even so, I will sing in Heaven this very moment. I am here. The future is simply the glory of God, as yet to be revealed, but fully revealed from the beginning.
Yet, I still hear my own heart whispering with an uncontainable grin,"I can't wait."
Thank you Jesus, for giving me the proof in deed that the world is redeemed, and the hand of your Father reaches throughout.
Let there be no darkness in me, no thought of impurity. Let me not consider the evil deceptions of this world, and devote my mind to the contemplation of your perfect truth that consumes all.
Let me not waste time trying to understand the problem when you have already solved it.
Let me loose wildly indiscriminate strokes of love, full of passion like a child. Let me be consumed by the needs of the world around me to be renewed in your infinite power. Let my desire to spread the light of the truth crash like waves on the landscape, being broken only to come again with another swell of love.
I have fallen apart so many times, and you have raised me from the ashes every time. Every time.
The flow of this story is being narrowed and refined, as the scope broadens. The possibilities of my life flood the plain as the dry patches of doubt and barren fields of fear are squelched.
The model, the metaphor is the only thing adequate to encompass the undefined truth of the promises you have given me. Yet with my blind eye I see the future, I feel its warm outline in the ever lengthening rays of events passed. The past creates an image of the future, and the beginning belies the end. I Am.
I am, too. I am. I am. In. I Am.
Like riding on the tail of a comet, I follow I Am into being, into all, always.
I wonder if, since it started when He started it, I have always been a part of it. He crafted me in my mother's womb, a statement of the past, for every being to ever hear it. He died for me while yet a sinner. Past. He lives in me now. Present, always, even when the present was the past, and so shall it be in the future, as he promised. The promise: Eternity. The future, which is a present yet to be. Are we eternal even now? When time stops and the movement of the universe comes to an end, will we cease to quiver with joy?
So we are. The Kingdom of Heaven is near. The time for those who believe to experience the joy of salvation is now, for it is finished, perhaps even as it started.
I will go now to my home. I will lay in my bed. Perhaps another night will pass, and another sunrise will occur. Even so, I will sing in Heaven this very moment. I am here. The future is simply the glory of God, as yet to be revealed, but fully revealed from the beginning.
Yet, I still hear my own heart whispering with an uncontainable grin,"I can't wait."
4.27.2010
Mixed Messages
Friends tell me I'm great. They say I have a lovely voice I play guitar like a champ. Sometimes I believe them.
Then people that don't care about me give me scowls and mutter insults under their breath when I play in public. People look away. They tell me I sound terrible. (Someone actually went out of their way to make sure I knew.)
Jesus says I am complete in him. Does that mean I that I Jesus is a mediocre musician?
Why can't I just feel like I am good enough?
Why do I always push past "enough" to the point of "too much".
I am sick of trying to be a success at music. I'm sick of trying to do it freely. I'm sick of trying to be whole before I try to perform. I'm sick of trying to be real in my music. I'm sick of getting rejected and discarded and ignored.
I'm sure I'll be back at in a week. Fuck.
Then people that don't care about me give me scowls and mutter insults under their breath when I play in public. People look away. They tell me I sound terrible. (Someone actually went out of their way to make sure I knew.)
Jesus says I am complete in him. Does that mean I that I Jesus is a mediocre musician?
Why can't I just feel like I am good enough?
Why do I always push past "enough" to the point of "too much".
I am sick of trying to be a success at music. I'm sick of trying to do it freely. I'm sick of trying to be whole before I try to perform. I'm sick of trying to be real in my music. I'm sick of getting rejected and discarded and ignored.
I'm sure I'll be back at in a week. Fuck.
4.19.2010
One
Vomit my words on to the page. Blech. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth and a mess to clean later, when I feel better.
People in my life...are they what I need or are they what drags me down?
I wish I could stop trying to find the root of the problem and just focus on the solution. I feel like the world at every turn says "Look over here! I've found the real problem!" drawing my eyes from the solution. The problem is the problem. I know what is good and bad inside of me. My heart still knows. Perhaps I will commit the greater atrocity in neglecting evil to sort itself.
Abuse would seem the greatest in violence, but I say the greater crime is neglect. Imagine the torment of the enemy ignored. God is never so cruel. Consider the abuse of the atheist, trying to build a mental frame devoid of God whilst borrowing His materials to do so. Imagine the child ignored, never knowing whether they are loved or hated, only knowing that they can't know.
Evil. If God is sovereign over all, evil must come to fruition in nothing. Nothing. Then the appropriate response to evil is not to attack it or ferret it out with fervorous vengeance, but simply ignore it's siren's song by searching for good.
Like a light dispels darkness, good dispels evil. But seeking out darkness to further the spread of light is like breaking dishes just for the sake of mending them. The work is finished! We don't need to go searching for wrongs to set right unless we are still unsure that good has been achieved already in it's fullest capacity for us.
A problem based approach to finding a solution means that we assume a evil is necessary for good. Does this mean that I don't think there are problems in the world? No. But I do think that the Solution, Jesus, is greater than the problem and will exist forever more after the problem is eradicated.
If there was a cure for cancer, and people started taking it they would be healed of their ailment. They would stop taking the medications that they needed to deal with the symptoms, they would stop having symptoms. If they didn't believe that they had been healed even though they had, they may keep taking the medications they previously needed for the symptoms and they would get sick again. So it is with us Christians, who have been administered the cure of Christ's death for our sin and his ressurrection for our lives. We don't believe that he has done all we need to be absolved of our guilt and enabled to live holy lives, so we continue to stab at the symptoms of lovelessness and treat our illness as though it is still reigning in our bodies.
"Be transformed by the renewing of your mind"
I am forgiven of every sin I have ever committed because Jesus died the death I should have. I am full of God's Spirit because Jesus lived the life I should have.
He traded with me. He lived the sacrificial life, sold out to the will of God. I get that. He gives it to me at all times. He died the death of a criminal, a murdering rapist, a thief, and a blasphemer. That's what I have to give. I gave him that. He showed God's glory in resilience, by bearing what I could not while at the same time giving me what I needed all along. And this did not spend him. Nothing could spend him. Like a celestial Energizer Bunny. That is glory. He gave the entire world the love they need without being spent. He is the best and he died for the worst. Could there really be any question whether Jesus was God? No one but God could have done that.
Since it was so miraculous that he did something so selfless, an act that I know by virtue of my own selfishness is really quite impossible, I choose also to trust that he could live inside me, make me perfect and capable of doing all that he has done. If Jesus could bear all the accusations and the punishment without fearing that it would be too much for him, then I will trust him. He saved the world by showing that good is greater than evil. No cosmic struggle, God is just the biggest dog in the park. He came to to demonstrate that Good wins. Always. None of our crimes can keep us from God unless we choose to believe the lie that has already been dispelled on the cross. Evil will not prevail. It is already crushed by Good. Don't wallow in the dust any more. Come be part of Good. We're all invited, and there is vacancy.
The table is set. Come and eat.
People in my life...are they what I need or are they what drags me down?
I wish I could stop trying to find the root of the problem and just focus on the solution. I feel like the world at every turn says "Look over here! I've found the real problem!" drawing my eyes from the solution. The problem is the problem. I know what is good and bad inside of me. My heart still knows. Perhaps I will commit the greater atrocity in neglecting evil to sort itself.
Abuse would seem the greatest in violence, but I say the greater crime is neglect. Imagine the torment of the enemy ignored. God is never so cruel. Consider the abuse of the atheist, trying to build a mental frame devoid of God whilst borrowing His materials to do so. Imagine the child ignored, never knowing whether they are loved or hated, only knowing that they can't know.
Evil. If God is sovereign over all, evil must come to fruition in nothing. Nothing. Then the appropriate response to evil is not to attack it or ferret it out with fervorous vengeance, but simply ignore it's siren's song by searching for good.
Like a light dispels darkness, good dispels evil. But seeking out darkness to further the spread of light is like breaking dishes just for the sake of mending them. The work is finished! We don't need to go searching for wrongs to set right unless we are still unsure that good has been achieved already in it's fullest capacity for us.
A problem based approach to finding a solution means that we assume a evil is necessary for good. Does this mean that I don't think there are problems in the world? No. But I do think that the Solution, Jesus, is greater than the problem and will exist forever more after the problem is eradicated.
If there was a cure for cancer, and people started taking it they would be healed of their ailment. They would stop taking the medications that they needed to deal with the symptoms, they would stop having symptoms. If they didn't believe that they had been healed even though they had, they may keep taking the medications they previously needed for the symptoms and they would get sick again. So it is with us Christians, who have been administered the cure of Christ's death for our sin and his ressurrection for our lives. We don't believe that he has done all we need to be absolved of our guilt and enabled to live holy lives, so we continue to stab at the symptoms of lovelessness and treat our illness as though it is still reigning in our bodies.
"Be transformed by the renewing of your mind"
I am forgiven of every sin I have ever committed because Jesus died the death I should have. I am full of God's Spirit because Jesus lived the life I should have.
He traded with me. He lived the sacrificial life, sold out to the will of God. I get that. He gives it to me at all times. He died the death of a criminal, a murdering rapist, a thief, and a blasphemer. That's what I have to give. I gave him that. He showed God's glory in resilience, by bearing what I could not while at the same time giving me what I needed all along. And this did not spend him. Nothing could spend him. Like a celestial Energizer Bunny. That is glory. He gave the entire world the love they need without being spent. He is the best and he died for the worst. Could there really be any question whether Jesus was God? No one but God could have done that.
Since it was so miraculous that he did something so selfless, an act that I know by virtue of my own selfishness is really quite impossible, I choose also to trust that he could live inside me, make me perfect and capable of doing all that he has done. If Jesus could bear all the accusations and the punishment without fearing that it would be too much for him, then I will trust him. He saved the world by showing that good is greater than evil. No cosmic struggle, God is just the biggest dog in the park. He came to to demonstrate that Good wins. Always. None of our crimes can keep us from God unless we choose to believe the lie that has already been dispelled on the cross. Evil will not prevail. It is already crushed by Good. Don't wallow in the dust any more. Come be part of Good. We're all invited, and there is vacancy.
The table is set. Come and eat.
4.06.2010
Getting to where I Am.
Masturbation.
It's a reality. I'm a Christian and I do it.
Whew. Okay, there it is. It's out.
What about it? Well. I'm recovering from shame.
It's important for me to claim Jesus' righteousness as my own. While I'm at it, I suppose my secretive eating and hygiene habits ought to get the wash down of Jesus' love.
I masturbated recently while reminiscing photos I had stole peeks at from a magazine in the grocery store around the corner. I wanted to look at the magazine again the other night, but I realised that some of the kids I "minister" to at New Horizons frequent the store. I was driven by shame momentarily away from the smutty magazine.
I wake up every morning feeling this kind of whirlwind stirring in my heart. I eat immediately to still the emotions that are stirring from a night of fasting. I use food to silence my aching heart full of desire and longing. Desperate, needy, dependent longing. It rears its head when I wake and I respond to it by silencing it rather than crying out in faith of God's love. I eat this way all day. Since I quit my fast (three weeks ago) I have been eating this way and gaining weight. I looked in the mirror finally to find that my head seemed nearly round compared to the shape it was before I began my fast.
I struggle to not be disgusted by the state of my body, and the testament it is to my denial of the Spirits power in my life. And yet the Spirit persists. I have done drugs, masturbate in places that I should not have, and been a horrible witness of who Christ is to people who count me as a Christian.
And yet, I will still claim that Jesus' perfect righteousness, his very identity as the Son of God, has been gifted to me. In the face of all these indictments, no less.
Yes. It seems scandalous to me to. How dare I be so presumptuous to claim that I stand before God as one who is holy, as He is holy. Who am I to think that I am exempt from being accused? God says I am, because I believe that Jesus was accused and punished for every of my wrongs.
I'm really at the point where I don't care what happens next. I have tried so hard to stop sinning by every possible means: accountability, positive self talk, denial of a problem, more service and church and "worship", 12-step groups, meetings, introspection, brutal self-scrutiny, therapy, prescription drugs, and God knows what else. None of these things ever set me free from the compulsion of feeling guilty and ashamed. None of them in their greatest moments of success ever offered me a sense of righteousness, a sense of worthiness. So, what have I really got to lose in letting God's complete acceptance have a shot at my sin problem? Not much, maybe some people judging me for not "controlling myself", but really, it's not like I could get any worse.
I've come to believe that even the worst human beings have a basic desire for what is good. So it would seem to me that coming to a point in one's life at which they decide they don't care whether they attain "good" would be a point of dying to that which is central to who you are, your self. Sounds kind of extreme, but then again think about the tenacity of the Pharisees, who, ironical, were one of the few groups to incur Jesus' wrath.
So for me to say that I don't care what happens, as in I'm fed up with trying to make good become me, and really kind of hopeless that I ever will, I'm really saying, God I have relinquished the task to you, and to be completely demoralized by my own ability to get good, I will accept whatever you produce.
Here I am, at this very place. I'm ready to accept that I'm holy and blameless, free from blame. What? Jesus, you say that even in the very moment of my sin, caught with my hand on myself, with my head full of lustful thoughts, you don't blame me? But what will people say? Won't people pick up stones to bring me down if I accept myself like this?
And my love replies to me, "Man, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"
"No one, sir," I answer.
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declares. "Go now and leave your life of sin."
With his blessing I can return to the Father, The Source of Life. That's where I'm going. These sins will fall off like scabs under which new living skin is growing and ready to see the light of day. Scabs have no use after the wounds are healed.
I am holy. I am blameless. No one can judge me, because God does not judge me. All that Jesus did in the power of the Father I am capable of because I am in him, and all he has is mine.
Jesus, you have given me your faithfulness. You sent your Spirit into me and made me completely new, and gave me eyes to see what you have created. I know who I am now, because you revealed it to me.
Thank you, Jesus.
It's a reality. I'm a Christian and I do it.
Whew. Okay, there it is. It's out.
What about it? Well. I'm recovering from shame.
It's important for me to claim Jesus' righteousness as my own. While I'm at it, I suppose my secretive eating and hygiene habits ought to get the wash down of Jesus' love.
I masturbated recently while reminiscing photos I had stole peeks at from a magazine in the grocery store around the corner. I wanted to look at the magazine again the other night, but I realised that some of the kids I "minister" to at New Horizons frequent the store. I was driven by shame momentarily away from the smutty magazine.
I wake up every morning feeling this kind of whirlwind stirring in my heart. I eat immediately to still the emotions that are stirring from a night of fasting. I use food to silence my aching heart full of desire and longing. Desperate, needy, dependent longing. It rears its head when I wake and I respond to it by silencing it rather than crying out in faith of God's love. I eat this way all day. Since I quit my fast (three weeks ago) I have been eating this way and gaining weight. I looked in the mirror finally to find that my head seemed nearly round compared to the shape it was before I began my fast.
I struggle to not be disgusted by the state of my body, and the testament it is to my denial of the Spirits power in my life. And yet the Spirit persists. I have done drugs, masturbate in places that I should not have, and been a horrible witness of who Christ is to people who count me as a Christian.
And yet, I will still claim that Jesus' perfect righteousness, his very identity as the Son of God, has been gifted to me. In the face of all these indictments, no less.
Yes. It seems scandalous to me to. How dare I be so presumptuous to claim that I stand before God as one who is holy, as He is holy. Who am I to think that I am exempt from being accused? God says I am, because I believe that Jesus was accused and punished for every of my wrongs.
I'm really at the point where I don't care what happens next. I have tried so hard to stop sinning by every possible means: accountability, positive self talk, denial of a problem, more service and church and "worship", 12-step groups, meetings, introspection, brutal self-scrutiny, therapy, prescription drugs, and God knows what else. None of these things ever set me free from the compulsion of feeling guilty and ashamed. None of them in their greatest moments of success ever offered me a sense of righteousness, a sense of worthiness. So, what have I really got to lose in letting God's complete acceptance have a shot at my sin problem? Not much, maybe some people judging me for not "controlling myself", but really, it's not like I could get any worse.
I've come to believe that even the worst human beings have a basic desire for what is good. So it would seem to me that coming to a point in one's life at which they decide they don't care whether they attain "good" would be a point of dying to that which is central to who you are, your self. Sounds kind of extreme, but then again think about the tenacity of the Pharisees, who, ironical, were one of the few groups to incur Jesus' wrath.
So for me to say that I don't care what happens, as in I'm fed up with trying to make good become me, and really kind of hopeless that I ever will, I'm really saying, God I have relinquished the task to you, and to be completely demoralized by my own ability to get good, I will accept whatever you produce.
Here I am, at this very place. I'm ready to accept that I'm holy and blameless, free from blame. What? Jesus, you say that even in the very moment of my sin, caught with my hand on myself, with my head full of lustful thoughts, you don't blame me? But what will people say? Won't people pick up stones to bring me down if I accept myself like this?
And my love replies to me, "Man, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"
"No one, sir," I answer.
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declares. "Go now and leave your life of sin."
With his blessing I can return to the Father, The Source of Life. That's where I'm going. These sins will fall off like scabs under which new living skin is growing and ready to see the light of day. Scabs have no use after the wounds are healed.
I am holy. I am blameless. No one can judge me, because God does not judge me. All that Jesus did in the power of the Father I am capable of because I am in him, and all he has is mine.
Jesus, you have given me your faithfulness. You sent your Spirit into me and made me completely new, and gave me eyes to see what you have created. I know who I am now, because you revealed it to me.
Thank you, Jesus.
3.25.2010
God's Voice
Can it be so good?
I so much hope so. What if I'm wrong? Then what? I have no where else to go. I will continue to believing he loves me, no matter what happens. I have no other choice. I refuse to believe he doesn't, because such a life would not be worth living.
All this to say I'm scared. Really. I want so much. I want it all to be true, and even more than I have hoped for. I'm taking a new risk today, believing he speaks to me and I can adequately hear him virtue of His own strength and faithfulness.
Uh...I don't think I could hinder his plans. Abraham veered, and yet God was faithful, and then he believed. So it is. I've seen Him be faithful, I believe. I'm scared, but I don't think that negates the faith that refuses to die within me. No, it definitely doesn't. I still believe although the possibility of having believed in a lie is a substantial fear. Not substantial enough to keep me from taking the risk and hoping for a greater deliverance and frankly, miracles.
He will do it all. I trust him and his words. God be with me now. Give me strength and faith to hope beyond hope that you will show yourself to the world. I'm so overwhelmed by my own weakness, and yet I hope for great, impossible things to be done by you through me. I long to be used by you.
Make me fearless and loving. Fill me with your truth and let me be overwhelmed by your power instead of my weakness. I long desperately for you, God. I want to touch you and feel you. I want to go and tell every person I meet about how faithful you are. I want to love them with out a fear. Please make it so. Let my eyes be opened to see things how they really are. Let my legs be healed so I can walk in your steps.
I"m counting on you God. Don't let me down. You're my only hope.
I so much hope so. What if I'm wrong? Then what? I have no where else to go. I will continue to believing he loves me, no matter what happens. I have no other choice. I refuse to believe he doesn't, because such a life would not be worth living.
All this to say I'm scared. Really. I want so much. I want it all to be true, and even more than I have hoped for. I'm taking a new risk today, believing he speaks to me and I can adequately hear him virtue of His own strength and faithfulness.
Uh...I don't think I could hinder his plans. Abraham veered, and yet God was faithful, and then he believed. So it is. I've seen Him be faithful, I believe. I'm scared, but I don't think that negates the faith that refuses to die within me. No, it definitely doesn't. I still believe although the possibility of having believed in a lie is a substantial fear. Not substantial enough to keep me from taking the risk and hoping for a greater deliverance and frankly, miracles.
He will do it all. I trust him and his words. God be with me now. Give me strength and faith to hope beyond hope that you will show yourself to the world. I'm so overwhelmed by my own weakness, and yet I hope for great, impossible things to be done by you through me. I long to be used by you.
Make me fearless and loving. Fill me with your truth and let me be overwhelmed by your power instead of my weakness. I long desperately for you, God. I want to touch you and feel you. I want to go and tell every person I meet about how faithful you are. I want to love them with out a fear. Please make it so. Let my eyes be opened to see things how they really are. Let my legs be healed so I can walk in your steps.
I"m counting on you God. Don't let me down. You're my only hope.
3.05.2010
Here is Always
Everybody must read "The Singer" by Calvin Miller. Amazing.
I want to say something as straight forward as possible. God's presence is real and attainable. He makes life livable and all things are brought to submission under the peace he brings with him. Perfection that can't be marred by my failures, and yet still belongs to me. That is a gift.
Jesus is in me. God is in me. I can hear his voice and and sings his love to me, day after day. It sometimes seems too good to be true, but then he comes and sings again, and the doubt washes away and I am swept up in his gentle current of peace.
Sweet One, The Giver of my Life, I take freely, I owe everything to you. Stoke this burgeoning flicker to a blaze, I want to give the world the warmth you have shared. I will wait for your Spirit to move me to show what you have made me, all beautiful and new, full of infinity.
As you are here with me, the waiting is joyful, hardly waiting at all.
Thank you.
I want to say something as straight forward as possible. God's presence is real and attainable. He makes life livable and all things are brought to submission under the peace he brings with him. Perfection that can't be marred by my failures, and yet still belongs to me. That is a gift.
Jesus is in me. God is in me. I can hear his voice and and sings his love to me, day after day. It sometimes seems too good to be true, but then he comes and sings again, and the doubt washes away and I am swept up in his gentle current of peace.
Sweet One, The Giver of my Life, I take freely, I owe everything to you. Stoke this burgeoning flicker to a blaze, I want to give the world the warmth you have shared. I will wait for your Spirit to move me to show what you have made me, all beautiful and new, full of infinity.
As you are here with me, the waiting is joyful, hardly waiting at all.
Thank you.
3.02.2010
Carry Me
My legs are heavy. Steps have become precious. Now more than ever I know you're the life making the body move. I feel you every second. Each labored breath sighs a "please" and a "thank-you".
You told me today that you would never get tired of how needy I am, never get sick of me, never tell me you need a break from me for little while. You told me that I could never want more than you want to give me. You told me you'll never stop holding me, never stop listening to me, never stop talking to me.
You said you want to be with me every second of every day. You said you would never leave me.
Who else can tell me that? Nobody. I believe you because you are God.
I love you because you put the spirit of love inside me, your Spirit. I can't wait to learn to taste your life when I hunger for lesser things. I have had but a taste, and every delicious taste sheds light on the horizon revealing how much more of you there is to be had. Each time you fill me there grows a greater hunger for you.
To the people who would say this is all fairy-tale and delusion, I say such is life and I choose the happy fairy-tale, for the choice is ours to make.
To my hero of this fairy-tale, I say thank you with all that you given, and I pray that my requests and my praises be one and the same. True love, you are mine and I am yours.
You told me today that you would never get tired of how needy I am, never get sick of me, never tell me you need a break from me for little while. You told me that I could never want more than you want to give me. You told me you'll never stop holding me, never stop listening to me, never stop talking to me.
You said you want to be with me every second of every day. You said you would never leave me.
Who else can tell me that? Nobody. I believe you because you are God.
I love you because you put the spirit of love inside me, your Spirit. I can't wait to learn to taste your life when I hunger for lesser things. I have had but a taste, and every delicious taste sheds light on the horizon revealing how much more of you there is to be had. Each time you fill me there grows a greater hunger for you.
To the people who would say this is all fairy-tale and delusion, I say such is life and I choose the happy fairy-tale, for the choice is ours to make.
To my hero of this fairy-tale, I say thank you with all that you given, and I pray that my requests and my praises be one and the same. True love, you are mine and I am yours.
2.23.2010
Ammendment
That last post was a little presumptive. Last night was vicious. I busked in the bus tunnel and made 9 dollars for 4 and half hours of playing. I get so sick of people walking by like I'm not even there when I'm doing my best to sing my heart out. It is hard to not think that their coldness is indication that I suck and it's easier for them to pretend like they don't see me than give me so phony smile or compliment. Maybe they are just stingy and the best way to avoid feeling so is pretend I'm not there asking for there money. Maybe I am the abomination they treat me like. I wish I could know.
At any rate, I came to the end last night. I was more screaming than singing by the end of it, and I just wanted to shoot arrows out of my mouth and kill every cold body that walked by ignoring me. One of the strings on my guitar started unwinding so bad that it wouldn't hold a tune, and I swore and packed up.
On the walk home I fantasized about someone trying to jump me so I would have an excuse to swing my guitar into their skull. I was mad.
Home. In the bathroom, feeling like I would pass out, I scream as loud as I could muster "GOD, I'M FUCKING MISERABLE!"
Storm to the couch, sit there with head in hands, too tired to move or speak.
Finally I muster, "What do you want to say to me?"
"I love you."
"Ugh, I know."
Minutes pass.
"I'm sorry. Please help me. I'm so sorry. I'm so hungry...please help."
At any rate, I came to the end last night. I was more screaming than singing by the end of it, and I just wanted to shoot arrows out of my mouth and kill every cold body that walked by ignoring me. One of the strings on my guitar started unwinding so bad that it wouldn't hold a tune, and I swore and packed up.
On the walk home I fantasized about someone trying to jump me so I would have an excuse to swing my guitar into their skull. I was mad.
Home. In the bathroom, feeling like I would pass out, I scream as loud as I could muster "GOD, I'M FUCKING MISERABLE!"
Storm to the couch, sit there with head in hands, too tired to move or speak.
Finally I muster, "What do you want to say to me?"
"I love you."
"Ugh, I know."
Minutes pass.
"I'm sorry. Please help me. I'm so sorry. I'm so hungry...please help."
2.20.2010
Weakness
My favorite person said "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." I'm finding how true that is. All the same, it doesn't matter. God is strong.
I feel so weak and peaceful. The pain of dieing is real. We can stave it temporarily with physical sustainance and distraction but the fact of this leaking system is inevitable. To embrace that death and find God's power perfected in it is the greatest blessing of my life.
Consuming the flesh and drinking the blood of Christ is the food that sustains me. I sate all my shameful desires in his body. I bring the hungry soul and he offers himself to feed it.
I'm fasting for 40 or so days. Initially I loved how it shocked people when I told them, but now I see it only as a testament to God's strength. What I aspire to do is seriously impossible for me. I find that the hunger that I feel in my gut can be transfered to the flesh and blood of Jesus, as easily as asking for it. And it sustains me. It's totally insane!
I love being able to say this and mean it: I love you, Lord!
I feel so weak and peaceful. The pain of dieing is real. We can stave it temporarily with physical sustainance and distraction but the fact of this leaking system is inevitable. To embrace that death and find God's power perfected in it is the greatest blessing of my life.
Consuming the flesh and drinking the blood of Christ is the food that sustains me. I sate all my shameful desires in his body. I bring the hungry soul and he offers himself to feed it.
I'm fasting for 40 or so days. Initially I loved how it shocked people when I told them, but now I see it only as a testament to God's strength. What I aspire to do is seriously impossible for me. I find that the hunger that I feel in my gut can be transfered to the flesh and blood of Jesus, as easily as asking for it. And it sustains me. It's totally insane!
I love being able to say this and mean it: I love you, Lord!
1.29.2010
1.27.2010
I just heard a man ask the library attendent if an email saying you get something free if you give your credit card number was a scam.
He said, laughing, "Yeah anything that says you get something for nothing is a scam."
Not true.
Not true.
1.08.2010
QWERTY is the wordy.
I WRITE WHAT I WANT!
there.
okay. now I can go on. fuck. yeah.
Dropping an f-bomb ought to filter out all the people that are going to judge me. I can just hear it. "you foul mouthed sinner! you oughta be ashamed of yourself."
So cavalier. So bold. Foolish, perhaps, but I'm going to make mistakes no matter how hard I try not to. I'm not going to be judged based on how hard I tried. So...
That is scary. What if I'm wrong?
AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Okay. Jesus. He makes the wrong right. Dare I claim it? Yep. You better believe I do. I don't care if you think I'm a bastard. He doesn't. He knows me as a brother, and I doubt that Jesus is a bastard.
I love this blog. Some people write little snippets from there lives, updates. Not me. Well, I guess I do, but they are notes from the inner frontier. Maybe that's just my way. I ignore the details of the world passing by around me, opting for the landscape of my heart and mind. I don't doubt that the world around me bears witness to the Creator's truth, but I find it so much easy looking inward.
I want to tell you, whoever you are, who I am.
I am a man.
I am a child.
I am a lover.
I am loved.
I am forgiven.
I am in Jesus.
I am dirty.
I am clean.
I am free.
I am slave.
I am His.
I live.
Scattttterrrrrrrredddddddd!
I wonder what kind of people will read this. I wonder what a glimpse into another mind will give them. Will they savor it? Will they spew my thoughts from their minds' in disgust? I hope I offend someone, only so that I know I am speaking truth. I have seen hope and freedom in others and it has disgusted me, it inspired me to destroy the evidence of something I lacked.
Now I stand on the other side of the ring, tasting freedom. The funny thing about it is that I would have expected to be afraid of people treating me like I would have back then, seeking to destroy me, bring me back down to the mud. But I'm not. Freedom is free.
What can they do? No one can touch me. My name is in the book of Life, and I claim it. I think of the people that would think I'm looking down on them. I hear their voices calling from behind. "What gives you the right to think you're better than me? You're not special, you're living some elitist fantasy." To them I respond: what I have I only reached out and received. No man is denied what I have attained. It is there for the taking. He is there for the taking. No one but you is excluding you from this family.
What am I?
I am a man who, first and foremost, possesses the righteousness of Christ. I live free, hoping that He has and does transform my heart to increasing degrees of goodness. He is my standard of self-evaluation, and no other standard defines me. I am accepted under his righteousness, unconditionally, without any stipulation other than the one fulfilled in my claim. Without consideration to human condemnation and oppression, I stand forgiven and free. No man can judge me, because I am already judged and acquitted of all my sin.
Man, life is good.
there.
okay. now I can go on. fuck. yeah.
Dropping an f-bomb ought to filter out all the people that are going to judge me. I can just hear it. "you foul mouthed sinner! you oughta be ashamed of yourself."
So cavalier. So bold. Foolish, perhaps, but I'm going to make mistakes no matter how hard I try not to. I'm not going to be judged based on how hard I tried. So...
That is scary. What if I'm wrong?
AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Okay. Jesus. He makes the wrong right. Dare I claim it? Yep. You better believe I do. I don't care if you think I'm a bastard. He doesn't. He knows me as a brother, and I doubt that Jesus is a bastard.
I love this blog. Some people write little snippets from there lives, updates. Not me. Well, I guess I do, but they are notes from the inner frontier. Maybe that's just my way. I ignore the details of the world passing by around me, opting for the landscape of my heart and mind. I don't doubt that the world around me bears witness to the Creator's truth, but I find it so much easy looking inward.
I want to tell you, whoever you are, who I am.
I am a man.
I am a child.
I am a lover.
I am loved.
I am forgiven.
I am in Jesus.
I am dirty.
I am clean.
I am free.
I am slave.
I am His.
I live.
Scattttterrrrrrrredddddddd!
I wonder what kind of people will read this. I wonder what a glimpse into another mind will give them. Will they savor it? Will they spew my thoughts from their minds' in disgust? I hope I offend someone, only so that I know I am speaking truth. I have seen hope and freedom in others and it has disgusted me, it inspired me to destroy the evidence of something I lacked.
Now I stand on the other side of the ring, tasting freedom. The funny thing about it is that I would have expected to be afraid of people treating me like I would have back then, seeking to destroy me, bring me back down to the mud. But I'm not. Freedom is free.
What can they do? No one can touch me. My name is in the book of Life, and I claim it. I think of the people that would think I'm looking down on them. I hear their voices calling from behind. "What gives you the right to think you're better than me? You're not special, you're living some elitist fantasy." To them I respond: what I have I only reached out and received. No man is denied what I have attained. It is there for the taking. He is there for the taking. No one but you is excluding you from this family.
What am I?
I am a man who, first and foremost, possesses the righteousness of Christ. I live free, hoping that He has and does transform my heart to increasing degrees of goodness. He is my standard of self-evaluation, and no other standard defines me. I am accepted under his righteousness, unconditionally, without any stipulation other than the one fulfilled in my claim. Without consideration to human condemnation and oppression, I stand forgiven and free. No man can judge me, because I am already judged and acquitted of all my sin.
Man, life is good.
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