Well, that pretty much says it all. I'm tired. But not that tired. God told me to rest and let Him love me. I didn't realize how freaking hard that is to do. I want to go; I want to achieve; I want to conquer. Even when it is so clear that my effort is counterproductive. I'm just afraid some one is going to say that I'm not working hard enough and "of course your goals aren't coming to fruition, you're too lazy".
All I can do is all I can do. I've begun to realize that there is a point when activity can be a form of procrastination. It's nice to realize that rest can the most productive thing to do sometimes. It's time to give credit where it is due. It's time to take stock of the ways God picks up the slack. I am just a man, but rest let's me see that I'm a man whom God is helping tremendously.
He is so full of good sense. I want to be able to make the music that is burning inside my dreams, and the fleshly path is hard-nose, take-no-prisoners practice even when it hurts and when you feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall. The Godly way is letting Him call the shots and letting enough be enough, and it is punctuated with the knowledge that it is Him that will bring it to pass.
It's getting my priorities straight and realizing that I am more than just a musician. I'm more than just a husband. I'm more than just an employee. I'm more than just a man. I'm a child of God. I'm the Bride of Christ. I love irony. I love that things seem so backwards in the Kingdom. I want to see these roles filled to satisfaction, but they have to yield to the highest role.
Music is a tough one, because it means so much to me and holds so much promise. To set it aside long enough to receive love in a different medium, to be filled without the music, is so scary. Music is an idol when I can't put it down, especially when it costs me intimacy with God. Whoa...epiphany. So is marriage. Dang.
I need to go think about this.