today. I leave home. I leave South Dakota. I came here hoping for a reprieve from real life. I got a reprieve from trusting God on the level that I have been trusting him for the last couple months. For what seems like so long now I was trusting him with every decision, well, mostly. I was trusting him with bigger issues than I have to deal with when I'm sleeping under my parent's roof. Now I head back out into the world (as though this place is annexed from it) and I return to the raw sense of needing to trust God, not my parents, for support. At first thought I consider it to be better to be in that state of conscious dependence on God, to be aware of how much I need Him. But in a broader scope of the situation, my judgement seems skewed. I am here at home feeling like I don't really need to trust God for my next meal or safe place to sleep. The realm that my parents have created makes it seem like those kinds of things are a given. And I instinctually say that they aren't and that I should be more aware of the presence of God providing those luxuries day after day. While I believe this is true, I also think that I need to accept more grace for myself and my parents, because in reality we never know the full extent of God's infinite providence. We don't know the complexity of the circumstances that He has arranged for us to exist and thrive or even survive. So, I come home and it seems like my awareness of such things diminishes in comparison to the way things have been; is that okay? Does He still continue to provide in the face of my lacking gratitude?
He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. -Matthew 5:45
This shows His glory. What a mysterious, self-sufficient God that can give beyond the measure that those receiving can even understand much less thank him adequately. He is truly amazing. I feel so unfulfilled when I give to someone who will never know that I helped them. Yet God shows me that He can do it and be ever-joyful.
Praise you, Lord. Let me glorify you by my weakness and your mighty power working in me. Let me be humble, receiving your Spirit to do the work that I so long to do. Let your love make me faithful. I pray that your will be done, and that I accept all that you do as good. Let me see that no tradgedy can be befall me that won't be transformed by you into blessing, and that it is already so because the context that Jesus created by life, his death and his life. Amen.
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