Mixed Messages

Friends tell me I'm great. They say I have a lovely voice I play guitar like a champ. Sometimes I believe them.

Then people that don't care about me give me scowls and mutter insults under their breath when I play in public. People look away. They tell me I sound terrible. (Someone actually went out of their way to make sure I knew.)

Jesus says I am complete in him. Does that mean I that I Jesus is a mediocre musician?

Why can't I just feel like I am good enough?

Why do I always push past "enough" to the point of "too much".

I am sick of trying to be a success at music. I'm sick of trying to do it freely. I'm sick of trying to be whole before I try to perform. I'm sick of trying to be real in my music. I'm sick of getting rejected and discarded and ignored.

I'm sure I'll be back at in a week. Fuck.

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