Mixed Messages

Friends tell me I'm great. They say I have a lovely voice I play guitar like a champ. Sometimes I believe them.

Then people that don't care about me give me scowls and mutter insults under their breath when I play in public. People look away. They tell me I sound terrible. (Someone actually went out of their way to make sure I knew.)

Jesus says I am complete in him. Does that mean I that I Jesus is a mediocre musician?

Why can't I just feel like I am good enough?

Why do I always push past "enough" to the point of "too much".

I am sick of trying to be a success at music. I'm sick of trying to do it freely. I'm sick of trying to be whole before I try to perform. I'm sick of trying to be real in my music. I'm sick of getting rejected and discarded and ignored.

I'm sure I'll be back at in a week. Fuck.



Vomit my words on to the page. Blech. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth and a mess to clean later, when I feel better.

People in my life...are they what I need or are they what drags me down?

I wish I could stop trying to find the root of the problem and just focus on the solution. I feel like the world at every turn says "Look over here! I've found the real problem!" drawing my eyes from the solution. The problem is the problem. I know what is good and bad inside of me. My heart still knows. Perhaps I will commit the greater atrocity in neglecting evil to sort itself.

Abuse would seem the greatest in violence, but I say the greater crime is neglect. Imagine the torment of the enemy ignored. God is never so cruel. Consider the abuse of the atheist, trying to build a mental frame devoid of God whilst borrowing His materials to do so. Imagine the child ignored, never knowing whether they are loved or hated, only knowing that they can't know.

Evil. If God is sovereign over all, evil must come to fruition in nothing. Nothing. Then the appropriate response to evil is not to attack it or ferret it out with fervorous vengeance, but simply ignore it's siren's song by searching for good.

Like a light dispels darkness, good dispels evil. But seeking out darkness to further the spread of light is like breaking dishes just for the sake of mending them. The work is finished! We don't need to go searching for wrongs to set right unless we are still unsure that good has been achieved already in it's fullest capacity for us.

A problem based approach to finding a solution means that we assume a evil is necessary for good. Does this mean that I don't think there are problems in the world? No. But I do think that the Solution, Jesus, is greater than the problem and will exist forever more after the problem is eradicated.

If there was a cure for cancer, and people started taking it they would be healed of their ailment. They would stop taking the medications that they needed to deal with the symptoms, they would stop having symptoms. If they didn't believe that they had been healed even though they had, they may keep taking the medications they previously needed for the symptoms and they would get sick again. So it is with us Christians, who have been administered the cure of Christ's death for our sin and his ressurrection for our lives. We don't believe that he has done all we need to be absolved of our guilt and enabled to live holy lives, so we continue to stab at the symptoms of lovelessness and treat our illness as though it is still reigning in our bodies.

"Be transformed by the renewing of your mind"

I am forgiven of every sin I have ever committed because Jesus died the death I should have. I am full of God's Spirit because Jesus lived the life I should have.

He traded with me. He lived the sacrificial life, sold out to the will of God. I get that. He gives it to me at all times. He died the death of a criminal, a murdering rapist, a thief, and a blasphemer. That's what I have to give. I gave him that. He showed God's glory in resilience, by bearing what I could not while at the same time giving me what I needed all along. And this did not spend him. Nothing could spend him. Like a celestial Energizer Bunny. That is glory. He gave the entire world the love they need without being spent. He is the best and he died for the worst. Could there really be any question whether Jesus was God? No one but God could have done that.

Since it was so miraculous that he did something so selfless, an act that I know by virtue of my own selfishness is really quite impossible, I choose also to trust that he could live inside me, make me perfect and capable of doing all that he has done. If Jesus could bear all the accusations and the punishment without fearing that it would be too much for him, then I will trust him. He saved the world by showing that good is greater than evil. No cosmic struggle, God is just the biggest dog in the park. He came to to demonstrate that Good wins. Always. None of our crimes can keep us from God unless we choose to believe the lie that has already been dispelled on the cross. Evil will not prevail. It is already crushed by Good. Don't wallow in the dust any more. Come be part of Good. We're all invited, and there is vacancy.

The table is set. Come and eat.


Getting to where I Am.


It's a reality. I'm a Christian and I do it.

Whew. Okay, there it is. It's out.

What about it? Well. I'm recovering from shame.

It's important for me to claim Jesus' righteousness as my own. While I'm at it, I suppose my secretive eating and hygiene habits ought to get the wash down of Jesus' love.

I masturbated recently while reminiscing photos I had stole peeks at from a magazine in the grocery store around the corner. I wanted to look at the magazine again the other night, but I realised that some of the kids I "minister" to at New Horizons frequent the store. I was driven by shame momentarily away from the smutty magazine.

I wake up every morning feeling this kind of whirlwind stirring in my heart. I eat immediately to still the emotions that are stirring from a night of fasting. I use food to silence my aching heart full of desire and longing. Desperate, needy, dependent longing. It rears its head when I wake and I respond to it by silencing it rather than crying out in faith of God's love. I eat this way all day. Since I quit my fast (three weeks ago) I have been eating this way and gaining weight. I looked in the mirror finally to find that my head seemed nearly round compared to the shape it was before I began my fast.

I struggle to not be disgusted by the state of my body, and the testament it is to my denial of the Spirits power in my life. And yet the Spirit persists. I have done drugs, masturbate in places that I should not have, and been a horrible witness of who Christ is to people who count me as a Christian.

And yet, I will still claim that Jesus' perfect righteousness, his very identity as the Son of God, has been gifted to me. In the face of all these indictments, no less.

Yes. It seems scandalous to me to. How dare I be so presumptuous to claim that I stand before God as one who is holy, as He is holy. Who am I to think that I am exempt from being accused? God says I am, because I believe that Jesus was accused and punished for every of my wrongs.

I'm really at the point where I don't care what happens next. I have tried so hard to stop sinning by every possible means: accountability, positive self talk, denial of a problem, more service and church and "worship", 12-step groups, meetings, introspection, brutal self-scrutiny, therapy, prescription drugs, and God knows what else. None of these things ever set me free from the compulsion of feeling guilty and ashamed. None of them in their greatest moments of success ever offered me a sense of righteousness, a sense of worthiness. So, what have I really got to lose in letting God's complete acceptance have a shot at my sin problem? Not much, maybe some people judging me for not "controlling myself", but really, it's not like I could get any worse.

I've come to believe that even the worst human beings have a basic desire for what is good. So it would seem to me that coming to a point in one's life at which they decide they don't care whether they attain "good" would be a point of dying to that which is central to who you are, your self. Sounds kind of extreme, but then again think about the tenacity of the Pharisees, who, ironical, were one of the few groups to incur Jesus' wrath.

So for me to say that I don't care what happens, as in I'm fed up with trying to make good become me, and really kind of hopeless that I ever will, I'm really saying, God I have relinquished the task to you, and to be completely demoralized by my own ability to get good, I will accept whatever you produce.

Here I am, at this very place. I'm ready to accept that I'm holy and blameless, free from blame. What? Jesus, you say that even in the very moment of my sin, caught with my hand on myself, with my head full of lustful thoughts, you don't blame me? But what will people say? Won't people pick up stones to bring me down if I accept myself like this?

And my love replies to me, "Man, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

"No one, sir," I answer.

"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declares. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

With his blessing I can return to the Father, The Source of Life. That's where I'm going. These sins will fall off like scabs under which new living skin is growing and ready to see the light of day. Scabs have no use after the wounds are healed.

I am holy. I am blameless. No one can judge me, because God does not judge me. All that Jesus did in the power of the Father I am capable of because I am in him, and all he has is mine.

Jesus, you have given me your faithfulness. You sent your Spirit into me and made me completely new, and gave me eyes to see what you have created. I know who I am now, because you revealed it to me.

Thank you, Jesus.