I want so badly to express myself right now, but I fear to be so downright negative.
I am wrought with guilt and despair.
I must be losing my mind. I wonder if this is what is to be damned. Taking stock of my life makes me think that I must have fallen from grace. I have only descended further and further. And if I haven't, if I'm only deluding myself to fuel self-pity, then I cannot seem to stop.
The truth seems unattainable. "Jesus forgives my sins". What does that mean to the guilt I feel? How do I believe? Is it as simple as saying that I believe?
The dictionary says: "to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so".
Have confidence in Jesus? I believe all my questions serve as a diversion to avoid action. Oh, fuck me. I'm so tired. What am I supposed to do?
I'm so desperate. My mind and body have betrayed me. I feel I have no where to run. I can't seem to come to you, I can't stop sinning. I can't help falling deeper and deeper into the darkness. I'm compelled to sound competent when I know I'm not. I'm compelled to seems strong when it's obvious how weak I am. I snap like an crocodile when any sort of "love" gets near me. I can't stop pretending to be everything that I'm not. I can't break through to know you. I'm afraid that if I invite you in you will be offended by the teeth that sink into your hand, so I pretend that I don't really want to hurt you. What am I to do with myself? I'm killing myself. Everyday I'm wasting away.
Please turn this around. I can't do a thing.