The end of the honeymoon has arrived.

I put all I had into the Christian walk. Every hope and dream. I longed so much to be close to God. I longed to do what is right. I saw the light. It was so beautiful that it consumed me. Now I have fallen from grace. My hearts desire has been crushed.

I'm backsliding as you would say in Christianese. It started with my counselor quitting. He broke my heart, but I thought,"It will be okay. I have God. He will show that He is enough. No sweat." Then I started fighting with all the friends that I have made over the last six months. The fights have gotten nastier every week, and end with more finality every time. The people that once trusted me have started looking at me like a burden. They try to give me advice, but it's like throwing pennies at a tank. I can never extract the love from them that I need. They know how much I need. They can tell by my blackhole presence threatening to consume them if they let me have my way, so they parry with the advice and empty words.

The people that once respected me, even looked up to me, now see only a helpless child. I've exposed myself as a fraud. I've exposed myself as a fraud to me. Have I really done enough? Did I try to hard on my own strength? The impossible nature of this walk has brought right to the edge of myself. It's impossible to ignore the feeling of betrayal here. I thought that it was understood that I couldn't keep myself out of trouble and you would take care of it. Where are you now? Why did you let me come to this place? Is there some divine purpose in you letting my treacherous soul run out of control? I know all the agony that this sin that grows in me now will bring, and has already brought. It's no secret. I know better. I cringe every step of the way. BUT I CAN'T STOP. Where are you? I can't do this.

The place I've come to is desolate. In my very soul the desire for blood is raging. I don't care who's it is. Could be a hapless aquaintence that stumbles unfortunately on my plight, but preferable it will be my own. The biggest tragedy of me is that I am the purveyor of destruction in my own life. I don't know how I so quickly descended to this place of hopelessness; was it really so sudden or have I been careering toward this path all along under the delusion that I was pursuing God. The only sliver of light in this cavern is the battered voice that calls to God aimlessly. You couldn't call it hope, but instinct, or corneredness. The monster that dwells in me in perching proudly over my soul. I'm overthrown, heartbroken and alone.

I can't fight myself. I'm entirely confused and confounded. The million words and meanings swirl around me like a hurricane, nothing slowing enough to identify it. I thought I held something. It was good and I sold myself to it. Now I feel it was a false deal, and I haven't a soul left to give to anything else. Like a jilted lover I wait outside my love's door with no where to go.

I've gotten drunk with the intent to bury the pain of my unloving soul. I've tried to bury it in sex. I've tried to bury it in romance. I've tried to bury it with drugs. This is that last two weeks of life. God. I needed you. I couldn't hold to you. I wanted to do your will. I failed. How on earth can I even dare another try? I've got no more to give. I feel dead inside.

I give up.


No Escape

What does your servant say to you, the infinite, the self existing God?

Oh, Jesus. You are so amazing. I've been so unfaithful and unworthy, yet there you are picking me up out of the dirt again, washing my wounds, healing me. I've been a fool sweet Savior, I've fought you every step of the way, but you have gently guided me through the dangerous world and my dangerous mind to a deeper safety in you.

I've used up every excuse in the book and now I stand faced with your goodness and your call. I admit defeat. Checkmate. I submit to your will. I vow obedience and loyalty to your glory at all cost. Lord, please give me the desire and faith to carry out my promise to you. I don't want to be the worker who says, "Yes", and does not go. Make me faithful, as I am yet rebellious in this life. I give you my thoughts that they would be inspired of you. I give you my heart that I may fall deeply in love with you. I give you my soul to only know you.

The world is huge and sinister. I'm a helpless child in a lion's den, and I will obey your every command as I have no other option for survival. Every second terrifies me and the pitfalls are beyond my reckoning. Please show me that you are the only one to be feared and that this world is yours. Consume me. I want to die to this world and to myself, that I may be only yours.
Destroy me that I may know all I have is you. Crush every idol in my heart without reservation. Claim me as your property, because I long to be yorus.

Create in me a clean heart, Oh God,
And renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from thy presence, Oh Lord,
And take not thy Holy Spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation,
And renew a right spirit within me.


Third Movement

Epiphany: I've taken to this emotional revolution like a crusader. Control!

It has been really exciting to really take stock in heartache. I've found the strength in Christ to care about myself enough to give grievance to the things that happen to me. In my fervor I've gone and taken control of this stuff. I am carrying all this intense weight around on my shoulders. Heavy stuff, it is.

Tonight I release my troubles to Jesus.

1.)My counselor quit, leaving me in an abandonment whirlpool.
2.)In the wake of that, my friends have left me to flounder with the pain.
3.)I've been unable to air out the pain, for the fact that I've been focused on it, and the attempt.
4.)I don't feel love for people anymore.
5.)I slept with a girl last weekend whom I had just met, after getting drunk and stoned.
7.)A close friend has distanced herself from me and condemned my choices.
8.)I'm still unable to grieve my bad relationship with my Dad.
9.)I'm gaining weight.
10.)I don't know how to pay all my bills and they keep piling up out of nowhere.
11.)I'm at a loss for what I'm suppose to do with myself.
12.)I'm bored.
13.)I feel like I'm not growing.
14.)I've hurt so many people, and I feel unable to be honest with my brokeness
15.)I'm scared that if I don't try hard enough I'll not be good enough.
16.)I afraid that I'm not doing something right because things are so crazy.

That about does it. I feel better already. phew.

They are yours, Jesus. I am yours. My heart feels alive again.

Nowhere else to run

I'm addicted to the internet.

I'm addicted to the vague hope that I might connect with another human soul from the safety of my keyboard. I'm no better than a gambler hoping that the next pull will let him quit. I'll peruse all the blogs I follow hoping that someone wrote something I can relate to. If I'm really lucky I'll even get a shout out or subtle nod. When I've exhausted all the personal connections and checked my gmail ten times, I'll take the consolation prize of web comics. In the lives of characters existing in little Utopian rectangles I find solace. They deal with their "problems" by consulting their quirky but perfectly understanding friends. If only I had some two-dimensional friends that always understood me even though they had a weird fetish or OCD. When I've squeezed all the emotion out of the panels of my web comics, I move on to Post Secret. Cathartic at best, wryly self-pitying at worst. This is always a nice end piece (although never really satisfying) with all the pathetic desperation. I relate so well, yet despise the self-loathing of each sad attempt to be known. I rue the creeping loss of the last post. Alone again, as if I ever wasn't.

If I don't pry myself off the vestiges of humanity scattered across the internet I typically end up wandering toward YouTube then darker arenas of "intimacy". The wrong trail always leads to the wrong quarry. Yet, I take chase almost daily.

After the binge comes the purge. Blogging. I'll chase my sin as far as I can then in sullen defeat take up my whip of words. I come to expulse all my vanity. In most cases it is much more veiled than today. Here is the truth.

I am utterly lonely. My counselor left me. He was the one person I was sure knew me. I could enter the sanctuary of his office with complete security that he would accept me in my childish folly. I was safe there. I could be me. I know that he had to leave and it was an inevitable circumstance but I can not help but feel abandoned. Now, facing the world at large, hoping to find a new safe haven, I'm overwhelmed. I've awakened enough to know how heavy my soul is. I want to be known. I want someone to behold my soul. I know what a huge request that is. I long to be known so badly that I feel I may die if I don't find relief soon. Go ahead. Laugh. Say I'm just creating drama for myself to wallow in. God, knows I mock myself enough, what's one more person? But, no. I refuse to be numb. I won't must leave the cave.

This is my sad attempt to be known, I know. I pray for the courage take my heart out of the box. I pray to surrender the outcome to God. I pray to stop trying to control the world around me and let myself be who I am. I pray that I find my outlet in Jesus. I am surrendered to the simplicity of it. I will wait here and hope that God delivers me or die waiting. I know this isn't a balanced, safe, advisable path. I'm crazy, and I expect that every single person who reads this will disagree with me. If I'm wrong I will be wrong. If that happens to be the case at least I can say I put it all on the line. My friends have looked at the life I'm leading and they see someone who is letting everything go, everything fall apart. Maybe I am, but I trust in God, barely. I will hang on to Him alone, no matter how insane that looks to everyone around me. I won't limit God to live a socially pleasing life.

Yes, I do love to make a scene and I do strive to be different. You pegged me. That is how God made me, and if He wants me to stop being this way then He will change my heart. Til then I'll be the attention-whore, bleeding heart lunatic that I am. Thank you, Goodnight.

How Long?

My output does not match my input. I have so many thoughts that feel like they may hold the keys to existence. The information flowing into my mind is all overwhelming. There is so much. I want so badly this thing that has no name. Perhaps it is God. I have cried out with every fiber of my being and to know lasting avail. Staying faithful is like holding your breath it seems. The necessary implication is that taking a breath is failing. That's how it feels. I keep my eyes on God as long as I can though it feels like it will kill me, and when finally I lose my nerve I tear away and ironically I crash. I want so badly. I simply want. Faith dictates that I want God. I turn to Him and I often feel let down. The deeper my understanding of life gets the heavier my need to express, be known and love becomes. The more you learn the more you need. The more you know the more you hurt.


Here I am yet again. Things are unclear. The information overwhelms me. The fact of life, the very fact of my being paralyzes me. I feel like trying to trust you has left me dry. I feel as though you showed me life abundantly and I gave in to you without reservation. Now I feel like I committed to something horribly difficult. I thought I could count on you for peace, for joy, for all of that. I thought that was enough to get through whatever the world would throw at me. I thought that was enough to do your will. Now I'm failing at your will. I can scarely call out your name, and when I do it's out of resentful rage. Everyone at every turn is telling me that I'm insane and you are silent. From every angle I'm being told that I am not enough, and I can't change. I don't know where to turn. Where are you?

I'm writing this prayer to vent at you God. I know that you have given me the very life to understand pain. I'm using what you've given me to complain. I'm using what you've given me to hate what you've given me. How can I trust? I'm unable. I'm unable to love, to live. I'm so broken, and I can't understand what you could possibly want me to learn or what good could come from this darkness that you've let me into. I can't follow you faithfully. I know that I can't, so why won't you help me? I don't know what to do. I'm so lost. Again. I've done my best for you. It's not good enough for anybody else. My friends all judge me. They tell me I'm a mess, a loser, a black hole, a pathetic slacker, a selfish callous user. I am these things. God, show me why I'm doing this Christian thing. Show me again why it's better to follow you. I'm so weak and this is so hard. I can't do anything perfect, I can't "go and sin no more". How can I tell people to come to you, when I don't even see what good comes of it. "Hey everybody! Come suffer with me! It's great. You can feel lonely, rejected, worthless, and ruined. Who's in?"

What am I suppose to do when your word doesn't enter my heart? What am I suppose to do when I can't find any truth in your word? I read and long so hard for something, and I can't get it. Reading my Bible feels so trite and empty. Where are you?

Where are you? Where is the peace, and fulfillment? I can't do this. I am unfaithful. I have been broken, my spirit. I can't say, "God is good." I want to and I'm scared of not. But how can I say that when nothing around me show this truth. Not even in my heart. I feel dead.

Here is my heart: I don't have much faith left. Life is torturous. I feel like a failure. I feel like I can't even surrender. I can't let go. The only hope I have is you, if you could even call it hope. I'm smashed on the rocks and haven't got anything left. I have no where to turn but you. Everyone has failed me and I have failed them.

Here I am. Where are you?




I could explode. The inadequacy of my words, my tone, my face, my heart. There is a raging torrent inside me and it is gathering pressure. If my emotional health is an engine, then I am firing on too few cylinders. How does one reconcile functionality and honesty? I lack the wisdom, nay, the capacity to possess the required information to make moral decisions.

A strange trend is developing in my experience. Lately I've found gems of wisdom and truth hidden right under my nose. The Bible is the most obvious of these gems. It's been in ludicrous proximity to me literally my whole life. Another less powerful, but still enjoyable is the Self-Titled Jars of Clay album. My aunt bought it for me in 1995 on a cassette tape. A couple weeks ago I was longing for something comfortable to have a break down to, I put it on my stereo. I heard the lyrics for the first time in the notes I'd heard hundreds of time before. The pain, the beauty and the devotion resonated at long last in my soul.

Things that I have dismissed in my arrogant ignorance have become so valuable with the glorious advent of humility. My greatest capacity for wisdom, creativity, and love come with humility. Oh, Jesus, break me further and further into nothing so that you can be glorified through me. Glorify your servant that you may be exalted.

"Worlds Apart"

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart



Today I considered yet another phrase to plaster on my mirror. I'm always tempted to place my latest thought up there in distilled form, hoping that it will anchor me to the truth that seems to work today. The problem is that my mind and my heart do not often align. The words that I cling to in a desperation for control quickly become trite. Thus, I have not yet come to rest on adequate string of words. Today's idea was "You are going to die, perhaps today."

I've run the gamut of idea that will keep me stabilized, but my end resolution has been to keep my eyes on God instead of a memorable tidbit of wisdom.

Case in point: I had been inundated with Bible and biblical truth for the first 18 years of life and it for what it was worth it didn't keep me close to God. Most of it went in one ear and out the other. Even now I will read my Bible sometimes and have no clue what God is trying to say to me. My very comprehension is by the grace of God. It seems clear that every lucid moment is directly of God. I can't control my ability to think clearly, so I have to to trust. I'll claw for control down the last thought of my dying day. But I have been infected by the truth that God is good. The most authentic experiences I have had can be chalked up to Him. I can't stray from Him without knowing that I'm inevitably going to hurt myself in doing so. That truth grows in me like a virus unchecked. I've succumbed to it.


I pray that you seal my heart. I pray that you seal my mind. Protect from the siren's song that is intellectualism. My darkened heart seduces my mind and coerces me to twist truth and create a false reality. I pray that you consume my heart and mind, that I will irrevocably rely on you. Break me down so far that I can do nothing but cry out to you in utter acceptance of your rule in my life. I'm yours but you know my how I am. It overwhelms me to even glance down the hall of my cavernous heart. I want to seek you in every moment of my existence. I want to know what it is like for the things of earth to grow strangely dim. Compel me, seal me, overwhelm me me. I know longer wish to have the choice. I'd give up my free will to know that I would never stray from you. I suppose you have a reason for all of this, and I will just accept that, but you know how hard it is for me. It makes no sense at all, but some how in the midst of all this pain I'm thriving and feeling more life in these veins than I have in years. I don't understand, Father. I trust you. You've proven yourself to me, and the fact that you would acknowledge me at all is proof enough of your goodness.

I'm a living sacrifice. I bring you this restless soul full of rebellion. I betray myself to you. Take me over. You're all that matters, and I commit my heart to you that I might live to reflect the truth.

I love you.