Conflict of Interests

I'm alive and I am dead. I am black as night and white as snow.

Every time I've ever thought, "Wow. I was such a fool!" was preceded by a moment when I thought, "I'm a genius!" I've thought I figured life out so many times, thought I found the missing piece that would change everything. Maybe this is uneccesary reverse engineering, but I can't helped but feel duped everytime I reach a new level of "glory". Maybe someday I'll stop thinking, "Wow, this is so amazing, but what a sucker I was to think it was good before."

I suppose that I need to trust God a bit. Afterall, things have gotten consistently better. Even though the paranoia that pangs on my mind is strong, I think I'll be okay. So tempting, so seductive and convincing that voice that beckons me to consider my blindspots. It whispers,"You can never know what a fool you really are, just think of all the idiotic things you have done with great gusto. How do you know you're not just charging down another dead end?"
Jesus doesn't always seems to offer answers, but he does calm my nerves.

If only I would trust him.

And even the longing is a rebellion, crying out this futile plea whilst qualifying the kind of help I will really recieve. I need to be rooted and renewed, because my very cry of weakness are still littered with foulness. Throwing my hands up and letting go I find peace.

The choice so often seems to be this: Walk the path that I have known and worn into smoothness that leads to no where, or venture anew down the wild trail through woods uknown into indefinite risk and potential.

Oh Jesus, my love, how I long to stop hurting you, betraying you. I don't understand much. The thing that remains certain is this need in my heart, the neccesity to fill it and your ability to do so. I am ever-baffled by my unwillingness to stay with you. I don't know why I run away, and ignore you. I'm so easily fooled by the lies the float through the air like wisps of poison. My friend, my lover, I am such a wreck without you. Please come rescue me with your love. I want to be swept away by your deep waves of affection. I want to be awe by the wisdom you possess. I would lay at your feet and listen to you voice for ever. Speak to me my sweetest.