On Crashing

what is happening. i trusted. I left behind my backup plans. I am hurtling toward a bike trip, and a marriage that seems impossible. I suppose the the wise thing to do would be bail out, get a sensible mind-numbing job, and stay single because I can't seem to get close to anyone without hating them, at least some of the time.

But God has told me to do these things that I embark upon. Even though I don't see how I can ever be a decent husband when half the time I feel more like running away, and I don't see how I am supposed to make it all the way anywhere on a freaking bike. Yep. It feels like I'm falling. But the end game result is that this is life has nothing to offer me except Christ. That's all. Everything else is waste. Everything else is passing. My aging body, by half-assed relationships, my struggles, everything I keep occupied with, all a waste if not to receive Jesus.

I hate having to fail. I hate when I feel like the thing I want to do the most is the worst thing I could do. I hate when I don't believe. I hate when I abuse people instead of letting Jesus take the abuse. I fuck-up so much. The times when I don't fuck up are blurred together with the times I do. when does it all stop. I am just tired. and tired. and tired. what am I supposed to do if I don't feel attracted to Shantel all the time? Does that mean I should quit? Does that mean the relationship is a failure. This relationship....dang. If it doesn't feel a certain way then i feel like shit. I hate that. It feels like this relationship is ruling me. Like I have to appease "the relationship" if I want to feel good. Can I dive into the mess knowing that it's gonna be a mess and maybe even a "failure"? Pshhaa. What is a failure in Christ? Nothing. Nothing. Do I want to keep on messing up and being a prick and feeling torn in half between catharsis and peace? Ugh.

Okay. Jesus. You are it for me. nevermind the mess of Shantel and I, nevermind what people will say about us, and about me. Nevermind if they all think i'm a douche bag and that I'm whatever they may say. I've got you. I believe in you. You are my lord. You are my life. Okay. That is okay. I've got enough. I've got enough now. oh the air is so sweet. Thank you lord. oh jesus. Thank you for saving me form the messes. From sin. I surrender everything to you. I give up my life and let you have it all, because if I don't I will ruin it. It's yours. You live my life for me.

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