Blog on a Bus

I thought of a bad joke in honor of writing from a bus equipped with wi-fi, but I think I'll honor good taste instead.

I'm reading. Always reading. I'm reading a book called the Final Quest. I searched the author and saw that under his own website the next couple listings were articles on how he is a heretic. I read a couple then weighed in with my conscious, decided I didn't think he was a heretic. He wrote his book claiming it was shown to him in a prophetic vision.

I am really enjoying the read, though as it has developed it has becoming increasingly convicting. I have felt so near to God, also filled with reverence and fear of Him as well. I have taken my walk so lightly. The eyes of my heart have been so filled with my self, and my shortcomings.

The Final Quest has shown me that I need to fill my eyes with Jesus. I long for my savior so badly. I desire Him, so much. Even so, it isn't enough for me to want him, because He has opened himself to me, and it's my choice whether I will go to Him, even now.

Lord Jesus, I long for you desperately. I have been so broke down by the trials of marriage and the life that you have called me to. It is hard. I feel attacked from all sides, and filled with paranoia. Lord, I thank you for the faithfulness that you have shown me over the course of my short life. I thirst for you, and even as my eyes grow dark for lack of faith, I know that you will always be there for me. Jesus, I can't express in words how much I love you. You are my life. You are the only one who loves me and knows everything I've done. You know my heart, and you still love me. Lord, even in my desire to give you praise for all you've done for me, I still find myself. I gravitate to my own singular soul. Lord, I want to be overwhelmed by your glorious face and not shy away. I don't want to turn from your beauty. Give me words to speak of your majesty.

You are my standard. You are holiness. You are what righteousness means. You are the Son of God. You showed me what true power is. You gave me everything you had. You took my accusations without condemning me as you well could have. You cried vulnerable tears of grief rather than turning away from my brutal sin. You let me crucify you. You let me consume your life, so that I wouldn't have to bear my own guilt.

You gave so that I could give. Lord, now I really want to be like you. The veil has been pulled back from eyes, I desire to give the way you give. I want to bear the accusations and the humiliation for the sake of my accusers. I see how incredible and miraculous you are, and marvel at you strength now that I try to take it the way you did. You are truly the Son of God. What you did is impossible for man. Jesus, help me! I want to lay down my rights, I want to give my life so that other will have grace and love and acceptance. Let me be a vessel of that living water. Jesus. I want you. I want to have you in me, being that all the time. I know that it is true and I rejoice! I know it is. Lord, what I am you know. You know what I am without you, and how I even desire to glorify my brokenness instead of you. I'm consigned to make this about me. HELP ME! Jesus, fill my eyes with only you so that I won't hinder you living out of me. To be enraptured with you at every second of my life is what I desire. Lord I want to lose my life. I don't care about ambitions to succeed in the world. Let me only invest the gifts you've given me to further your glory. Let me just worship you with every single thought and breath.

Jesus, I am desperate for you, and words will not describe my longing. I rejoice that you are here in me. Tell me of who you are. Let me lose myself to find you now.

My child, I love you dearly. I will carry you through what comes in life. I won't forsake you. I will not leave you. I am God. I am love. I have created this world and I will accomplish my victory in every life that I have called. You are among the chosen. You are my child. It is the highest honor to be my child. The spirit of my Son is in you and you are as He is to me, because you have received him. Don't be afraid for what the future holds, and don't be afraid of your own sin, but fear only me, and you will know the path.


The Answer

...seems to be the question.

I reread a bunch of my old post from back when. I was striving really hard to distill some chunk of wisdom into a piece of coherent writing. I wanted every one to capture the essence of the wisdom I thought I had. Looking back over what I wrote and then comparing my life to the ideas I was expressing at the time, I see a big disconnect. I was compensating for the this enormous lack of understanding I felt within by writing all these massive discourses of thought about how my life ought to be.

I realize now that the wisdom that I sought after was not the kind of thing that I could capture in writing. At least not in a direct sense. The forward approach of capturing God through writing is not very effective, actually quite the contrary. But, to say is can't be done is not my intention either.

I see now that the only means to expose God through any creative medium is to fellowship with Jesus. I'm still shaky on how to translate the relationship into a communicable form. It seems that I have to lose all other things to find him, or at least loosen my grip on them so much that it seems to me I will lose them. Then...well, frankly I don't know what happens next. I will find out now.