Embracing a "career path" in music might be the most elusive thing I have tried to do.

Reasons being:

1.) I haven't got the background. I taught myself most of what I know, and during the tutelage I have recieved I was off in La-la Land.

2.) I don't know what a "musician" does, other than play music. I know I've got that down, but shoot-dang...isn't there more to it?

3.) I haven't got the means for a proper education. I'm broke!

4.) I am about as anti-social as I've ever been. I'm pretty sure this is a networking kind of endeavor.

5.) I feel like a shut-in. Getting out of my apartment is hard enough. How am I gonna make a living publicly exhibiting myself as a piece of art?

Nevertheless, I trudge on. When I started this pursuing the vague idea of professional musicianship perhaps the biggest appeal was the tremendous hurdles that it entails. Maybe I'm addicted to the futility, maybe the challenge. Whatever it may be, I find myself interminably drawn to it.

The fullness of my commitment to music is stifled by one factor: rejection. What happens if I call myself a musician and someone laughs at what i do, or judges me insufficient. I'd be devestated. Much safer to toy with it from the outskirts, saying,"I play music." rather than "I'm a musician."

What is to be gained by claiming it as part of my identity? What is to be gained by putting my entire self into the pursuit? Worst case, I gain the knowledge of what I can really accomplish, for better or worse. If I hold back something I will always wonder if it was the missing piece, the one that would have got me to the goal.

Rewind a second here. There is a part of this whole treatise that has been unaddressed. Terms of success. What constitutes a win in the game of music? Popularity? Wealth? Respect of other musicians? I suppose that I can't answer that without bringing the question into context with Reality as a whole. Jesus, Love, and God's Plan.

What if I do win all those trappings? What is making it big if I lose my soul? The question must change now to,"How can I pursue music in a way that is submissive to God's will?" God is a creative being. Emulating him that way isn't evil, but to what end? Am I building an edifice to Him? How can I?

One thing is certain to me: using music a tool to do anything but glorify God inevitably takes the joy from it. Coming from the standpoint that life in all applications can be worshipful if the application issues from a Spirit-filled heart, I guess that I would need to offer my will up at all time to be traded the Will of God, the Holy Spirit.

For some reason that seems to simple to me. A nice, neat bow on top of this heart-crushing problem. I think this time I'll just take it. I'll just taste and see if the Lord is good.



Two is the number of people that have told me I'm the most negative person they know. I wish my first thought had been "you've had a weak sampling of humanity if I'm the worst you know." But instead I was just hurt beyond words. The two will go unnamed but I will say that they both hold places in my life that gave them leverage to really make it deadly to say what was said.

An painfully ironic parallel exist amongst these two. They are both women and they both people I set out to please without reservation. What can I say when my best efforts toward another human being are met with such disapproval. No wonder I've been so isolated the last few months.

In the past I would call this state "being broken" but I'm beginning to think that it is the truth about me and I am just coming to terms with it. I'm not being broken I am broken. I try so hard to live right and it all come crashing down. Something is MISSING!

Now. I've spent the last month under the deepest cloud of depression I have ever known. I'm floundering trying to make a living at something I don't know how to do. I have no friends and I do not exagerate. I have severed every tie in my heart for fear of the rejection-death I have known so well in this life. I can't take any more hurt and my heart is growing cold. I've finally conceded to taking medication, and yes, the symptoms go away if I am faithful to my new god, but the temporary nature of this reprieve tugs at the coattails of my mind.

When my mind is broken and my thoughts only as good as the context they are framed, I face the beast of dreadful nothingness, helpless as a orphan.

Wow, sorry that got dark fast. Anyway, negativity. I had a dream last night and in it I embraced my brokenness, and accepted the futility that I have inherited. I dreamt a moment of peace thereafter.

In simpler terms I think that I need to accept my identity as an addict. Yeah, I do. I have had enough experience to see that I am. Yeah, it's not getting any better. It is not going to go away. I'm tired of fighting it. The outcome really is in God's hands now. I finally am what I am.

Wow, just saying that, it makes the pain of those accusations go away. I am the most negative person. It's true! I am a sex addict, too! A pervert, liar, a greedy little gollum of a man: all me.

If all see what I truly am, the world would certainly turn away from me. A few people have gotten close, and they ran. I have tried to hide and polish up who I really am, my true heart for a long time. I've wanted to make the world think me a great man; I wanted to make them love me. I'm so tired of the charade, so tired of worshipping them. The jig is up. God, have mercy on me a sinner.

Luke 18:9-14