Huh. What can be said...I love Jesus!
I wish I was a great poet or musician so I could create something really phenomenal for God. What on earth is a boy in love to do? Well. I will try. I guess what's really important is not the quality of whatever I do in man's terms but the sincerity of my heart in doing it. I'm sure I could be more sincere, relatively speaking, but here and now, I don't think I could be more in love with Jesus.
It's been a week since my last "slip". I feel so good. I've come to the conclusion that the only way for me to feel confidence in a good state of mind for it to be dependent on God. I have much clarity now, but it took almost a week for the ill-effects of my sin to lift. I could never have known how sad my life was without knowing how good it could be with God. I'm imprinted now. Even in the darkness of last week I still clung to hope in God. There were no other options. I can never go back.
An epiphany hit me today at an SA meeting. In a sense we're like spiritual, emotional and physical machines, and somehow these factors are all connected. I don't at all mean to reduce us to simple machines but only wish to paint a picture of the way we function. A machine needs energy to run, it needs fuel. So I think of myself in this way. When I get these urges they are so strong they suggest a very real need. I used to beat myself up pretty hard, hating myself for the fact that I would long so much for things that hurt me. The reality is that I've just become so used to using the wrong things for my needs that I confused the need with what I've chosen to try to fill it with. I started believing that my need was a need for lust, or a need for eating too much, or for getting loaded, the comfort du jour.
It's not the need itself, but filling it with insufficient solutions was the cause of my pain. To go back to the machine analogy, putting lighter fluid into a gas tank might make the car go but not for very long. I've realized that when I feel like I'm breaking down without my typical comforts, it's not a reason a to get upset, to kick the car, so to speak. The machine I am was built with the need for fuel from the beginning. I was made to need God's love though, all the unhealthy substitutes. The solace that I have reached comes out of this realization: Every time I feel empty longing for whatever it is that I think I need, I can call out to God and He will fill me up with what I really need. Every time I feel what's commonly referred to as "temptation" is an opportunity for me to be filled with God's satiating love.
How Lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord Almighty!
My Soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the Lord;
My heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.
God's mystery seduces me. The brilliance of Him turns me on. Seriously. I'm enraptured with the song He sings in my ear. I will fight with all the passion of lover fighting for the honor of his love. I've found my place in the universe. I want to be here forever. I pray His love for me ignites a boldness to stand up in the face of all who would oppose Him. I have no more interest in loving God in a polite way. I want to stop fearing people and start fearing God.