8.24.2008

The Gambler

Yesterday was so good that I decided to celebrate by acting out.

Pop Quiz:

Guess who feels like a zombie?
A.) The guy who DJ's on public radio
B.) Ben Stein
C.) David

If you answer C you would be correct. If you answered A or B you'd also be correct.

AGH!

I ranted and bitched about how God shouldn't leave me to struggle with my sin. I want desperately to be free of it. I cry out to Him. I'm so devastated every time I mess up. I feel like my heart stops pumping blood and my soul shrivels up into a crusty prune. I just can't understand how this is supposed to work. I know that I'm utterly powerless to overcome this addiction. I can't stop. I know when I want it there is no chance of me stopping myself. I will simply cave in without even fighting. Why God!? Please help me!

And to add to this agony, I'm humiliated by my own fickle words. I proclaim Jesus and His glory one day and curse Him the next with my unbelief. I don't know what to trust. I told my friend Katie that I feel like a lab rat who is going crazy from inconsistent results from the lab techs. I'm losing it. I don't know what to count on.

I'm really on edge here. Like a gambler who has the fringe hope that this one will be the jackpot, I call on God yet again. Please, Jesus. I can't take anymore of this failure. It hurts me so much. It suffocates my heart. HELP ME.

1 comment:

Robomaniquin said...

Heavy stuff man...You'll get through it, because He is greater than it. Sounds vague, but look into that.