If the world is a stage I'm a costume designer.

The infinite labyrinth of my thought has consumed me again and I need rescue. I'm a simple man, if you could call me a man at all. Yet I engage the darkness and confusion time and time again. The image I see is David standing in Saul's armor. The attempt to be secure has encumbered me with more weight than I can carry. And I'm paralyzed again. My freedom is naked.

My counselor asked where I was this week. I'm hiding. That's where. I'm hiding behind all this apologetic thought. The shitty thing is that in turning my eyes to defense I've lost sight of God, and thus lost all the joy and benefit of the thing that I'm defending. Caleb asked who I was trying to convince. Yep, it's me. I can't remember what happened first defense or insecurity.

The idea behind "Surprised by Joy" is just now settling although I finished the book two weeks ago. Lewis said you cannot contemplate an experience and enjoy it simultaneously. The concept was easy enough but the implications are still creeping like roots into my life. One of those implications is that I can't be joyful in Christ while worrying about being joyful in Christ. Nor can I enjoy Christ while expending my thought on less than His glory.

Reading over the last few weeks of posts the trend of trying to formulate my approach to God emerges. All the plans in the world will never build a tower. I've got to move. I've got to worship through life, engage in Christ through life, not in spite of it.

In my hopelessness I've worked my way into an esoteric corner of "surrender". It was really fear driven paralysis.

I've got so many thoughts that feel like they need resolution, but I think they can wait their turn. I've got things to do.


fb said...

I am praying you give yourself permission to totally relax in and totally accept God's love for you. Sometimes it is so tough - because we know us!! But God knows all about us and he loves us anyway. Oh - for the ability to completely accept that love....It is always easier for me to accept that love for you than for me!

Erin said...

I am praying that you will allow he who began a good work in you to finish it. Clay in the potter's hands as Jeremiah says. When the Lord controls every aspect of your life, you will be so full of joy.