I still have no idea where that outburst of hatred and self loathing came from. What I do know is that it is the lowest I have been since April when I gave my life to Christ. I am still angry, but I've calmed down some at least. I had such hope in remaining close to Christ. I had faith that he would keep me close. I feel so marred. It wasn't like I didn't know my natural inclination to run away from him. I just thought He would prevent me from doing so. I thought He would keep from doing myself in. Evidently not. I know full well how powerless I am to keep myself from doing myself harm, not to mention other people, but I thought that God would protect me from myself. I feel some serious doubts happening in me.
What am I suppose to think when God lets me fall? Where do I turn when I feel like I can't trust myself and I can't trust God? I feel doomed. Maybe like God is toying with me, that maybe I'm not one of His children and He's just starting the torment of Hell early.
How uh...This is stupid. God loves me.
The question in my head was this: Why does God get all the credit for good and I get all the credit for bad. Why do I get the credit for torturing myself, judging and hating my self? Why does God, or rather how does God dodge the bullet for all the Bad? The question gets undermined by the more practical question: Will I demand an answer or accept the love that is available to me? Will I picket the pearly gates with a sign that says,"The garden of Eden was an inside job!" or will I put down my sign and let God love me?
God doesn't make sense at all to my little mind and admittedly I have risen yet again to think that I could formulate Him. An astounding mind once thought for man to understand God is for a stream to flow higher than its source. In a manner of speaking, there is an intended place for me to meet God, a role that I am intended to play. My heads gotten too big again and I've tried to grab something that isn't mine. I demanded it. I've forgotten whats good for me. I'm officially embarrassed.
So the Jonah picture becomes clear. He hates himself. He punishes himself and tries to punish others. He denies God's grace though he witnesses it in epic, miraculous displays. He fails to let himself need God. He thinks has a better plan, and God saves him from himself. What God was trying to show Jonah was His unrelenting love. Jonah says, "Never mind the whale, never mind the shade plant, I don't need you, I don't want you, go away and let me do this my own way." And God replies to me, "When will you see that I don't need your payment of misery, I've already got it covered. Just relax and let me love you."
So, here we go again.