9.10.2008

Really

I've been so wrapped up in thought that the reality that it pertains to may have passed me by. I feel like I've gather up so many theories that the state of my heart and the relationship between God and I has been neglected altogether. I feel like a man who fears losing his marriage and rather than talk to his wife, he goes to a counselor, buys every marriage book he get his hands on and isolates himself in a study trying to find out what is wrong. What good is all my thought and struggle without talking to God about it?

I'm going to pray.

God,

Hi, I feel like it's been so long since I talked you in earnest. I'm tempted to parrot off some nice things that will sound Christiany and faithful, but I would betray my heart. I've been arrogant and I've strayed. I've sneaked out the back door of my mind. My thoughts are stalling out right now, trying to protect me from acknowledging the truth of my ignorance. I pray you give strenghth to not disosociate right now. I want to be real with you. I know that I've tried to find ever way around surrender that I could conjure. I'm so sorry. It's who I am. I lie to myself better than I can lie to other people. Please let me see myself honestly. I have relied on my own understanding so much lately that at this point I feel effectively blind. I'm stumbling so hard. Turn on the lights in my brain, please!

A while back I felt really confident in You, I was trusting in You and I had faith that everything was surrendered to your sustainence. A fear has grown in me that I have to maintain that reality because I've commited to it so vocally to those around me. I've lost faith because my fear of everyone thinking that what I believed so wholly is just a sham. I'm so scared that people will think I've deluded myself and what I was running around saying was just in my head. I'm so sorry that I didn't trust you to keep me safe. You know that I still don't. I can't really relinquish control on my own. I don't have the courage to let go. Please Jesus. I tried my hand at life again. I really only decieved myself. I'm back at this juncture knowing that the life that I am in control of is an anxiety-ridden dirge. I know only that I need you, and I don't have the courage to turn over the reigns. I'm like a terrified back seat driver. I need so much. You know this. I don't. Show me how. I'm desperate to walk closer to you. I need you to show me how to do it. I surrender what I can. I pray you give me courage to give up more of me. Take all of me. I give up my fear of people. I'm ashamed that I've let them come between us. Please take my fear.

I'm yours Jesus. I'm giving up in spite of what people are going to think. I want what your joy more than I want people to think well of me. I'm a wreck, a coward, and a traitor. I don't care if the whole world knows. I only want you. I love you the best I can. Please make it more.

8 comments:

daphne said...

So I saw your comment on SCL and said a little prayer for you then I came here and I get your words. I can relate so I pray for you to be strengthened by God's glorious power so you will have all the patience and endurance you need. Col 1:11
Grace & Peace, daphne

jenn3 said...

I also saw your comment on SCL and decided to come over and say hi. I'm saying a prayer for you. Sorry that you're dealing with so much stuff. I'll pray that God will give you healing. (I don't say this in a condecending way. I've been there, and sometimes am still there. Our situations are very different, but I know how hard faith can be at times. God is always faithful though.)

BTW- I saw on your profile that you're from Seattle. I grew up in the Seattle/Burien area. I'm in TN now and I miss WA so much! I've never been anywhere as beautiful. I still have family in WA, but I haven't been there since I was 16. I'm hoping to visit again someday.

God bless!

anna said...

can i just tell you how intrigued i am by the three posts i just read? i too must admit that i came here from scl and i even posted a response to you there. it said this: david. i dont do this often but i want you to know that i just prayed for you. i am learning about faith right now and how huge that is in our lives. so i said to god i have enough faith that right now i truly believe that you will be with david in the exact way he needs you in this exact moment. i have no good verses to give you or insight or anything helpful to say but i did pray and plan to keep you in my prayers.

and then i came here and my mind is just reeling with the things you have been pondering. i like the way your mind works and how you are trying to figure things out for yourself and searching. i tend to just not search and then i get nowhere. when you said "The reason that addictions are so prevalent in the human race is that we are designed to love something with reckless abandon and we pridefully choose things that are controllable but insufficient" it just resonated with me. i am such a passionate person. i love devoting myself to things yet it never seems to be god. it is always those things that i can control because giving up those things i cant control makes me feel so anxious when in fact if i would just let the love of god wholly fill my desire then i wouldnt feel the need to be in control. wow. thanks for your insight. i am excited to read more from you.

Erin said...

I, too, saw your comment on SCL and tears came to my eyes. I've enjoyed reading your thoughts as they are very deep and very truthful. The Lord does love you more than you can imagine and where His love resides, Evil can not. I hope you are involved in a church where you can have Christian friends who can help you stand up when you're unable to do so on your own. Enjoyed your recent posts. I'm praying for you here in Ireland.

ifollowjesus101 said...

wow. i too saw your comment from SCL, and i came here to tell you, that i am a recorvered cutter. for a year in my life i turned to cutting as a way of dealing with anger and emotional pain. i couldnt control the things around me, but i could control my cutting. however, what i once controled now controled me, and i became addicted to cutting. ive since found healing and hope. and a life more fulfilling than i could ever imagine. tears are brought to my eyes as a share my story, because my heart goes out to you. because ive been there. i know what its like. i would cut, then pray for God to give me forgivness. Run to God, his arms are wide open. get on your knees, he loves to hear your voice. Read your bible, he wants to talk to you. and one more thing, God loves you not despite your mistakes, but inspite of your mistakes.
iheartdrama16@aim.com, feel free to email me.

fb said...

I, too, found my way here through SCL. Thank you so much for your honesty. I know God will honor that as he calls his people to pray for you. I am much older than you - my kids are older than you - but I still have my doubts and struggles. There are days when all I know is that God is pure love and that he loves me. On those days that has to be enough. I pray you can latch on to those truths and that you will find more and more as you come to know the very character of a God who cares so much that he never turns his back on us. No matter what.

David said...

I'm so humbled. I came home from a long walk last night and looked at my inbox and it was full of all this love. I broke down before i could even finish the first one.

God's people are truly a different breed. And God, oh God, You are so great and brilliant. Your timing is mind-boggling.

Thank you all so much. I'm floored (literally last night) by good word. Praise God for you!

ifollowjesus101 said...

no. we are not a different breed. we are God's people driven by something different than the rest of the world: love. love for God which caries out for love for the hurting. because when you love somebody, you love what they love. and God's loves the hurting. we are just ordinary people. doing ordinary things.