I've been so wrapped up in thought that the reality that it pertains to may have passed me by. I feel like I've gather up so many theories that the state of my heart and the relationship between God and I has been neglected altogether. I feel like a man who fears losing his marriage and rather than talk to his wife, he goes to a counselor, buys every marriage book he get his hands on and isolates himself in a study trying to find out what is wrong. What good is all my thought and struggle without talking to God about it?
I'm going to pray.
Hi, I feel like it's been so long since I talked you in earnest. I'm tempted to parrot off some nice things that will sound Christiany and faithful, but I would betray my heart. I've been arrogant and I've strayed. I've sneaked out the back door of my mind. My thoughts are stalling out right now, trying to protect me from acknowledging the truth of my ignorance. I pray you give strenghth to not disosociate right now. I want to be real with you. I know that I've tried to find ever way around surrender that I could conjure. I'm so sorry. It's who I am. I lie to myself better than I can lie to other people. Please let me see myself honestly. I have relied on my own understanding so much lately that at this point I feel effectively blind. I'm stumbling so hard. Turn on the lights in my brain, please!
A while back I felt really confident in You, I was trusting in You and I had faith that everything was surrendered to your sustainence. A fear has grown in me that I have to maintain that reality because I've commited to it so vocally to those around me. I've lost faith because my fear of everyone thinking that what I believed so wholly is just a sham. I'm so scared that people will think I've deluded myself and what I was running around saying was just in my head. I'm so sorry that I didn't trust you to keep me safe. You know that I still don't. I can't really relinquish control on my own. I don't have the courage to let go. Please Jesus. I tried my hand at life again. I really only decieved myself. I'm back at this juncture knowing that the life that I am in control of is an anxiety-ridden dirge. I know only that I need you, and I don't have the courage to turn over the reigns. I'm like a terrified back seat driver. I need so much. You know this. I don't. Show me how. I'm desperate to walk closer to you. I need you to show me how to do it. I surrender what I can. I pray you give me courage to give up more of me. Take all of me. I give up my fear of people. I'm ashamed that I've let them come between us. Please take my fear.
I'm yours Jesus. I'm giving up in spite of what people are going to think. I want what your joy more than I want people to think well of me. I'm a wreck, a coward, and a traitor. I don't care if the whole world knows. I only want you. I love you the best I can. Please make it more.