9.18.2008

I hate smart people.

Purge. I want to spew my insecurities onto the internet as if the people I'm scared of will read them and then see that they are just as scared as me and then let there guard down. I feel naked. I feel stupid.

I want desperately to be artistic and create something that people will relate to. I want it so badly that I'm willing to pour myself out on the pavement. I fear that I will open my soul and people will see what an artless barbarian I am and I will be destroyed.

I have this nagging feeling that my desire is hopeless and that I should just surrender to God. I'm scared that the people around that I'm trying to impress will think that is a horribly ignorant thing to do. I can just hear the thoughts:"He's so weak and pathetic. He just can't hack it in life and he runs back to his simpleton faith every time things get real.

I can't stand it. The intellectual community that I have idolized is everywhere. I hate that they make me feel like a dullard with my simplicity and blind-eye philosophy. I want to be free of the perceived judgment of the greats.

I feel so lowly with what I've got to give. I feel like a beggar who thought he got invited to a high society party and shows up with all the excitement of a child to find that he was never really invited.

The best part is that this is all probably in my head, because nobody is even paying attention.

How do I pour my passion into something without endangering my stability? How do I pour my passion into something without putting my self worth on the chopping block? So, I digress. Back to where I started with my simpleton creed. God, I give up. I'm cowardly and self defeating. I'm too scared. I'm just a little boy with huge dreams. The world seems like a monster waiting to swallow me whole if I crack my door open an inch. Ugh. I give up again.

4 comments:

Erin said...
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Erin said...

Sorry I messed up on my previous post. You're listening to Satan's whispers and they are wrong. You're probably right that most people aren't even paying attention and thinking all of those negative things about you. God created you & He couldn't have done a better job. He also created you to experience great things like adventures. Again, I recommend memorizing scripture about all the good things the Lord thinks of you & when you start to feel insecure or stupid, quote those scriptures.

fb said...

You know there are so many times in my life when all I could do was utter the name "Jesus" and that was enough to drive satan away from my thoughts. A good verse to start with is 2 Corinthians 10:5. Take every thought captive and hold it up to the truth of Christ. Let me also say that you are so talented in your writing. Your blogs move me and make me think about my own life. Hang in there!

David said...

Thank you. God knows I'm not worthy to even utter the words, but I haven't figure out how to extend heartfelt gratitude in a more apt way, so that will have to do for now.