9.03.2008

Dive

I've been thinking about all the ways I let people impose on who I am in. My fear of people is unacceptable. I am validated by Jesus alone. I pray that God will give me boldness to be a light to everyone. I'm enraged at my cowardice. I have the greatest thing a human being can experience and I'm worried about stepping on a few toes to share it.

I was thinking about what to write about today and I realized I am shy about writing how deliriously hopeful I am. It seems unrealistic and foolish to people and I've subconsciously started adopting that mindset of "reasonable" doubt. More likely I've always had it and now it's becoming evident. I'm don't think being agreeable is an inherently bad thing, but in this world of negativity and sin, I think I'm far too agreeable. You know when you say someone is a pessimist and they retort,"I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist." Well, I have a problem with that mindset, whether it's realism or pessimism. My basic assumption about life is that life is not as it should be, and this world is broken. Thus, I would commit a fatal flaw to define my reality by "the way things are" as I see them. I prescribe to a higher ideal, and I will choose to define the world around me, set goals, and live according to that standard. That standard is the Bible, and it's ridiculously hopeful, damnit!

People (mostly Christians, ironically) have told me all along the way that I'm setting myself up for disappointment, that God won't do the things that I hope in. They've told me to believe in things that are reasonable and safe. "Don't get your hopes up," seems to be the underlying sentiment. Unfortunately, the life I left behind to follow Christ was so bad that I was ready to kill myself at the drop of a hat. I cannot simply settle for a nice quiet life in the suburbs going to my trendy church every Sunday. I must hope for something great, because it's all or nothing. Everything I am, every drop of life in my soul rest on the truth of Jesus. I will hope for a life of pious righteousness. I will hope to touch millions of people.I will hope to love God with everything I am. I will hope to hear God speak. I will hope to love every person that I meet. I will hope to fearlessly offend the sinful norms. I will hope to stand in the face of death for my God. I will hope to change the world. I will hope for the impossible.

I want to actually live a life that has room for big mistakes and failures. Up till now I've been walking the safe and riskless path. Minimized chance of horrible things happening but no chance of phenomenally good things either. The simple life, the American Dream, the whatever you want to call it is not for me. It is no life. I may make some horrible mistakes, but at least I'm committed to something at last. If God doesn't catch me as I dive into Him, then at least I can say I jumped rather than trying to get away from the edge my whole life. I will be able to say that I lived for something.

You may think I'm melodramatic and deluded. You may think I'm insane, living in a fantasy world. We will see.