I haven't got much to say today. I'm praying for surrender of all things in my life. The Fourth Step inventory has really got me over the barrel. I'm painfully aware of how much I fail and how powerless I really am over everything. I haven't a vague idea of what "right" is and I know how far from it I usually end up. Even the things I do right I manipulate myself into by guilt or back breaking force of will. I get that I'm weak. I get that my attempt of doing good for myself is a black hole of necessity.
So, I lay the reigns in God's hands again. I have thought that praying for the right thing could yield me some results but now I'm certain that I don't even know what I need, and if I did I would foul it up. Now this may sound like I'm beating myself up, but I'm not. I don't feel sorry for myself right now. I'm saying this as an objective fact. The sum of my experiences lead me to believe without a doubt that my attempts at good are futile. Simple and true. I discovered God's strength and love in the confined arena of lust. I thought that I could distill that power and apply it to everything and I tried. I failed. In fact, in trying to do so I proceeded to fall back into my old habit of acting out lust. I'm not sure why God let this happen to me, and maybe someday down the road I will be able to look back and say why. As for now, I just know that I can't surrender on my own. That's right. I can't even stop trying to do good for myself. So I pray that I can surrender. I pray for God's strength, and the courage to stop using my own.