I once told my friend Mark how powerful it would be if a pastor was secure enough in grace and bold enough to be public about his insecurities. I said this in reference to a particular pastor that I find a bit prideful. Now I turn the critical eye to myself.

I'm afraid that if I expose my fears to the public that I will be discredited and no one will listen to me. I want to be a leader. It's no secret. I want people to follow me. I want to be respected and feared. The struggle is knowing how to surrender this desire to God's will. Undoubtedly they are selfish ambitions. I want so badly to erase this paragraph, but something tells me I must not. I'm a greedy, power hungry narcissist. I want control. Where do I go from here.

Humility. Everything God says about leading people points to that word. I have tried to construct a mental image of what a Godly leader looks like. It's disjointed and shaky, and by no means complete, but here is what I have thus far. A Godly leader is one who inspires by his own life instead of imposing his ideals on others' lives. A leader is one who empowers his followers by being a conduit of love, rather than driving with a whip of condemnation. A Godly leader places his own needs last before the needs of His people. This point is often understated, or lost in cliche-ridden Christianese banter. The needs of the people include physical needs like food shelter etc. but also include, if not primarily, spiritual/emotional needs. This, in my experience, is painfully overlooked. It means really loving people as Christ loves. That is the power that gives us strength and therefore as a Godly leader one should focus primarily on this facet of relationship. Leadership should be organic and merited by evidence of God's love flowing forth from an individual.

I am afraid of this venture. My capacity for controlling people is scary. I don't mean to say this in a conceited way, as if to brag of how influential I am, but rather to confess my manipulative tendencies. I fear the idol that being a "declared" leader could become. But in the same stroke, I wouldn't be so foolish as to tell God He can't overcome my sinfulness for His glory. On the contrary, I see the potential for His glory through and in spite of my flaws all the more.

Pray for me!

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