I'm my own audience because I'm so scared no one will take me seriously. Sometimes I feel like a one man vaudeville show. I'm a broken record, too. No new material. Same poodle on a tricycle shtick as always. Woe is me.
Not today. I'm settling into a new groove. Before I knew Christ I had two lenses to look at myself through. I could tell myself that I was alright and deny my shame, and go on a self-righteous war path of persecution. The second option was to be honest with myself and dive into the deep pool of self loathing, in go war against myself. This usually came to head with suicide attempts. Today the third option is evident to me. I can take an honest look in the mirror and stand taller than I ever did in my self-righteous haze, because I am forgiven, and indeed, a new life grows up through the wreckage I see in my soul. I plead guilty and walk free.
I pray that the days of crying to the imaginary emptiness are gone. God's listening. I pray that I never leave this freedom found in honesty. God, hear me now, I'm scared of losing what you have given me, and for that fear I'm prone to flee to the things that have brought me sickly comfort in the past. I wish I could paint myself into your corner, but I fear that the beginning and end of this security lie in your hands. I pray for enough to feel secure and not stray. That's all I ask.
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