Today the blog is yours. Today the blog is a prayer. I want to tell what's on my mind and in my heart. I am numb today. I woke up just hungover enough to know it from a night I feel like I shouldn't have been a part of. I had a donut for breakfast and skipped reading your word. I went to work. I came home. I took out more money for groceries since I spent my cash at the bar last night. Ugh. Jesus, you know all this. I feel like crap about it. I'm so terrified that I'm going to fall apart again and the cycle of destruction will begin again. I am yours. I say it, but when it actually means something, when it means taking a risk, or doing work, I am so quickly distracted. I want so desperately to be at the place I was before. I was fearless in you. I was self-assured. Is that what your trying to show me? That I haven't changed? That I'm just reaching the end of myself again? Is that it? Jesus. Please answer me. I want to be in you. I can hear the accusations from every place I turn. I don't want to turn to you because I'm afraid you, too, will tell me that I'm a failure and that I'm just not cut from the stuff you really want. I could say the "appropriate" thing here and claim your promises, but Father, I'm not convinced at this point. I'm scared. I remember the hideous life that follows close behind me, jaws gaping. I've got a horrible track record of performing under pressure. You know.
I hear you saying, "Let go." I want to. I want to trust you. But, Jesus, I'm stuck. I can't separate the promises you make from my insidious desire for independence. I keep this escape plan in my back pocket, planning to con you into enough blessing to make a break for it.
I'm a slave to it. Rescue me, Father. I'm a prisoner of myself. I see it. I see the bars. I feel the chains. Take me away from this black hole. The harder I try the harder it becomes. Take me. Take all of me. Please take me out of the way. Defeat me. Teach me that you're my only hope of peace.
If it takes a thorn in my flesh to keep me humble, I'll take it. To suffer in you is truly better than prospering in loneliness. Do whatever it takes. My sole desire is to say, "Your will, not mine, be done", and mean in with every fiber of my being. Take me. All of me. Destroy my walls, my selfish outposts. Take away all my defenses, besiege my soul and overthrow my tyranny. I long for you. I need you. I love you. I long to love you more. My words are empty. Fill them with sincerity. Change this wretched heart. Jesus, you have fathomed the depths of my darkness to depths I dare not consider. Fill the infinite chasm with your spirit. Invade me. Permeate me. i want to seep with your grace. Saturate my soul. Let your mercy drip from my words.
My words are like doing surgery with a chainsaw. Search my soul and know the depths from which I cry. Surge up from beneath and surround my anguished soul in your womb of consolation. I love you.