I just watched the "Diving Bell and the Butterfly". It is about a man who has a stroke at 40-something and becomes completely paralyzed except for his left eyelid. He learns to communicate by blinking. He describes his life like a diving bell that he can't move in. He just floats there forever underwater.
I'm reading three different C.S. Lewis books right now and I'm overwhelmed by the clarity with which he writes. I want to express myself like that. I wish I could speak my thoughts. Right now I feel like I'm in a diving bell of thought. It's all in here. I want it out. I want it out of me so badly. I'm hoping that honesty will be enough to compensate for my lack of language skill.
I have a desperate thought on my mind right now. I'm out on a limb. I have told so many people about the transformation that is taking place in my life. I've spoke of Jesus' power with such confidence and excitement that now the pressure to perform is weighing on me. I feel like there is much face to be lost. Here I am dipping ever closer to the bottom again. I'm ashamed to say that I'm failing when I told so many people that I was sure of God's strength. The worst is the people who don't have a faith of their own. I fear they look at me and think,"So this is the "awesome" power of Jesus at work, huh?"
God, I've sang your praises when it was good. I sang them loud and fearlessly. Now I'm failing again. I put my faith in you, weak as it is, it's all I've got. Here I am feeling the desperation for righteousness and completeness in you. I know I'm a slave to the approval of my fellow man, but I put it on the line for you. How can I say,"Jesus is the way", when my life and my actions are a pathetic mess of sin? How can I proclaim your truth when my life denies it? I feel like a liar and a fool.
Furthermore, I'm calling you out on your promises. I am submissive to my powerlessness. I'm not denying it or fighting of my own will. I'm waiting. People are mocking me for not "trying harder" but your word says to wait for righteousness. I believe in you, I believe in your promise to credit my faith as righteousness. Lift me out of the mud, Father. This is me calling on you in what little confidence I have.
I'm sorry I don't have the reverence or fear for you that I should. I'm scared and scattered. I'm angry. This is where I am. You said you'd take me, so take me.