My heart could explode at this very moment.

Sara and I decided that we would not communicate until January 1st, 2009. I felt like I couldn't rely on God completely with her in my life right now. She felt the same. So there it is. I'm not confident with these new legs of grace and dependence on God yet . I can't be the man she deserves and I will destroy both of us if we're part of each others' lives right now.

Obedience is so hard. And painful.

The reason I can't have Sara in my life at the moment is that I'm still prone to try and feed off her rather than support her. Not in a financial way but emotionally. I've spent the vast majority of my years looking for a girl to fill the void in me. In all those years I applied the hope of a girl "completing" me to just about every area of my life. I went around getting disappointed by girl after girl. Now I have found the true answer in my relationship with Jesus. I need the reality of God's power in my life to settle into the cracks and set. With that confidence, I can love Sara. I mean give love, not take. Love in the positive. We can be whole together, rather than collapse into each others emptiness. That emotional black hole is not fun.

The hardest part about this situation is that I know what all the bad possibilities are. I've seen dependency run its course in the plethora of bad relationships I've been in. What I don't know is how a good relationship looks. I have vague theories, but really I can only project my own experiences onto the future, and it looks impossible. From this vantage point I can see two promises:

1.)God will have all of me.
2.)Sara will have all of me.

It's obvious that I need to learn a new way. I don't know how these things will come to pass, but luckily the outcome doesn't depend on my foresight.

The struggle with lust continues, also. This battle may never be over, but I know that until I consistently let God's strength prevail I can't be anybody's anything.

To be completely honest, I don't always feel complete in Christ, but right now I do. However God brings Sara and I together will be beyond-my-wildest-dreams amazing. That much I'm sure of.

No comments: