10.11.2008

Third Movement

Epiphany: I've taken to this emotional revolution like a crusader. Control!

It has been really exciting to really take stock in heartache. I've found the strength in Christ to care about myself enough to give grievance to the things that happen to me. In my fervor I've gone and taken control of this stuff. I am carrying all this intense weight around on my shoulders. Heavy stuff, it is.

Tonight I release my troubles to Jesus.

1.)My counselor quit, leaving me in an abandonment whirlpool.
2.)In the wake of that, my friends have left me to flounder with the pain.
3.)I've been unable to air out the pain, for the fact that I've been focused on it, and the attempt.
4.)I don't feel love for people anymore.
5.)I slept with a girl last weekend whom I had just met, after getting drunk and stoned.
6.)Guilt.
7.)A close friend has distanced herself from me and condemned my choices.
8.)I'm still unable to grieve my bad relationship with my Dad.
9.)I'm gaining weight.
10.)I don't know how to pay all my bills and they keep piling up out of nowhere.
11.)I'm at a loss for what I'm suppose to do with myself.
12.)I'm bored.
13.)I feel like I'm not growing.
14.)I've hurt so many people, and I feel unable to be honest with my brokeness
15.)I'm scared that if I don't try hard enough I'll not be good enough.
16.)I afraid that I'm not doing something right because things are so crazy.

That about does it. I feel better already. phew.

They are yours, Jesus. I am yours. My heart feels alive again.

3 comments:

Jennie said...

The other day my roommie and I were talking about inadequacy. She said that time is a gift from God, in which we can look back and see that we're moving. Time is our medium to grow in, and we have lots of it. So don't despair. God doesn't expect us to transform immediately. We have time.

head rush said...

thanks for the comment. It is hard for most people to give their hearts up to the world. I know it's hard for me, but I'm glad you're trying to do it. I just want you to know that even though I'm a slightly cold person, I do care about you and will be around when you need me (especially when Nov. comes rolling around)

Erin said...

All I can say is, Wow. You were incredibly honest in this post. Do you have a bible believing church to be a part of? If not, I really want to encourage you to seek out one where they will accept you as is. It does take time to be transformed into the image of God. And He doesn't expect perfection but He knows your heart. The Devil has attacked you in your weakest areas. And the Lord still loves you in a way you've never been loved before.