How Long?

My output does not match my input. I have so many thoughts that feel like they may hold the keys to existence. The information flowing into my mind is all overwhelming. There is so much. I want so badly this thing that has no name. Perhaps it is God. I have cried out with every fiber of my being and to know lasting avail. Staying faithful is like holding your breath it seems. The necessary implication is that taking a breath is failing. That's how it feels. I keep my eyes on God as long as I can though it feels like it will kill me, and when finally I lose my nerve I tear away and ironically I crash. I want so badly. I simply want. Faith dictates that I want God. I turn to Him and I often feel let down. The deeper my understanding of life gets the heavier my need to express, be known and love becomes. The more you learn the more you need. The more you know the more you hurt.


Here I am yet again. Things are unclear. The information overwhelms me. The fact of life, the very fact of my being paralyzes me. I feel like trying to trust you has left me dry. I feel as though you showed me life abundantly and I gave in to you without reservation. Now I feel like I committed to something horribly difficult. I thought I could count on you for peace, for joy, for all of that. I thought that was enough to get through whatever the world would throw at me. I thought that was enough to do your will. Now I'm failing at your will. I can scarely call out your name, and when I do it's out of resentful rage. Everyone at every turn is telling me that I'm insane and you are silent. From every angle I'm being told that I am not enough, and I can't change. I don't know where to turn. Where are you?

I'm writing this prayer to vent at you God. I know that you have given me the very life to understand pain. I'm using what you've given me to complain. I'm using what you've given me to hate what you've given me. How can I trust? I'm unable. I'm unable to love, to live. I'm so broken, and I can't understand what you could possibly want me to learn or what good could come from this darkness that you've let me into. I can't follow you faithfully. I know that I can't, so why won't you help me? I don't know what to do. I'm so lost. Again. I've done my best for you. It's not good enough for anybody else. My friends all judge me. They tell me I'm a mess, a loser, a black hole, a pathetic slacker, a selfish callous user. I am these things. God, show me why I'm doing this Christian thing. Show me again why it's better to follow you. I'm so weak and this is so hard. I can't do anything perfect, I can't "go and sin no more". How can I tell people to come to you, when I don't even see what good comes of it. "Hey everybody! Come suffer with me! It's great. You can feel lonely, rejected, worthless, and ruined. Who's in?"

What am I suppose to do when your word doesn't enter my heart? What am I suppose to do when I can't find any truth in your word? I read and long so hard for something, and I can't get it. Reading my Bible feels so trite and empty. Where are you?

Where are you? Where is the peace, and fulfillment? I can't do this. I am unfaithful. I have been broken, my spirit. I can't say, "God is good." I want to and I'm scared of not. But how can I say that when nothing around me show this truth. Not even in my heart. I feel dead.

Here is my heart: I don't have much faith left. Life is torturous. I feel like a failure. I feel like I can't even surrender. I can't let go. The only hope I have is you, if you could even call it hope. I'm smashed on the rocks and haven't got anything left. I have no where to turn but you. Everyone has failed me and I have failed them.

Here I am. Where are you?

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