Today I considered yet another phrase to plaster on my mirror. I'm always tempted to place my latest thought up there in distilled form, hoping that it will anchor me to the truth that seems to work today. The problem is that my mind and my heart do not often align. The words that I cling to in a desperation for control quickly become trite. Thus, I have not yet come to rest on adequate string of words. Today's idea was "You are going to die, perhaps today."
I've run the gamut of idea that will keep me stabilized, but my end resolution has been to keep my eyes on God instead of a memorable tidbit of wisdom.
Case in point: I had been inundated with Bible and biblical truth for the first 18 years of life and it for what it was worth it didn't keep me close to God. Most of it went in one ear and out the other. Even now I will read my Bible sometimes and have no clue what God is trying to say to me. My very comprehension is by the grace of God. It seems clear that every lucid moment is directly of God. I can't control my ability to think clearly, so I have to to trust. I'll claw for control down the last thought of my dying day. But I have been infected by the truth that God is good. The most authentic experiences I have had can be chalked up to Him. I can't stray from Him without knowing that I'm inevitably going to hurt myself in doing so. That truth grows in me like a virus unchecked. I've succumbed to it.
I pray that you seal my heart. I pray that you seal my mind. Protect from the siren's song that is intellectualism. My darkened heart seduces my mind and coerces me to twist truth and create a false reality. I pray that you consume my heart and mind, that I will irrevocably rely on you. Break me down so far that I can do nothing but cry out to you in utter acceptance of your rule in my life. I'm yours but you know my how I am. It overwhelms me to even glance down the hall of my cavernous heart. I want to seek you in every moment of my existence. I want to know what it is like for the things of earth to grow strangely dim. Compel me, seal me, overwhelm me me. I know longer wish to have the choice. I'd give up my free will to know that I would never stray from you. I suppose you have a reason for all of this, and I will just accept that, but you know how hard it is for me. It makes no sense at all, but some how in the midst of all this pain I'm thriving and feeling more life in these veins than I have in years. I don't understand, Father. I trust you. You've proven yourself to me, and the fact that you would acknowledge me at all is proof enough of your goodness.
I'm a living sacrifice. I bring you this restless soul full of rebellion. I betray myself to you. Take me over. You're all that matters, and I commit my heart to you that I might live to reflect the truth.
I love you.