Nowhere else to run

I'm addicted to the internet.

I'm addicted to the vague hope that I might connect with another human soul from the safety of my keyboard. I'm no better than a gambler hoping that the next pull will let him quit. I'll peruse all the blogs I follow hoping that someone wrote something I can relate to. If I'm really lucky I'll even get a shout out or subtle nod. When I've exhausted all the personal connections and checked my gmail ten times, I'll take the consolation prize of web comics. In the lives of characters existing in little Utopian rectangles I find solace. They deal with their "problems" by consulting their quirky but perfectly understanding friends. If only I had some two-dimensional friends that always understood me even though they had a weird fetish or OCD. When I've squeezed all the emotion out of the panels of my web comics, I move on to Post Secret. Cathartic at best, wryly self-pitying at worst. This is always a nice end piece (although never really satisfying) with all the pathetic desperation. I relate so well, yet despise the self-loathing of each sad attempt to be known. I rue the creeping loss of the last post. Alone again, as if I ever wasn't.

If I don't pry myself off the vestiges of humanity scattered across the internet I typically end up wandering toward YouTube then darker arenas of "intimacy". The wrong trail always leads to the wrong quarry. Yet, I take chase almost daily.

After the binge comes the purge. Blogging. I'll chase my sin as far as I can then in sullen defeat take up my whip of words. I come to expulse all my vanity. In most cases it is much more veiled than today. Here is the truth.

I am utterly lonely. My counselor left me. He was the one person I was sure knew me. I could enter the sanctuary of his office with complete security that he would accept me in my childish folly. I was safe there. I could be me. I know that he had to leave and it was an inevitable circumstance but I can not help but feel abandoned. Now, facing the world at large, hoping to find a new safe haven, I'm overwhelmed. I've awakened enough to know how heavy my soul is. I want to be known. I want someone to behold my soul. I know what a huge request that is. I long to be known so badly that I feel I may die if I don't find relief soon. Go ahead. Laugh. Say I'm just creating drama for myself to wallow in. God, knows I mock myself enough, what's one more person? But, no. I refuse to be numb. I won't must leave the cave.

This is my sad attempt to be known, I know. I pray for the courage take my heart out of the box. I pray to surrender the outcome to God. I pray to stop trying to control the world around me and let myself be who I am. I pray that I find my outlet in Jesus. I am surrendered to the simplicity of it. I will wait here and hope that God delivers me or die waiting. I know this isn't a balanced, safe, advisable path. I'm crazy, and I expect that every single person who reads this will disagree with me. If I'm wrong I will be wrong. If that happens to be the case at least I can say I put it all on the line. My friends have looked at the life I'm leading and they see someone who is letting everything go, everything fall apart. Maybe I am, but I trust in God, barely. I will hang on to Him alone, no matter how insane that looks to everyone around me. I won't limit God to live a socially pleasing life.

Yes, I do love to make a scene and I do strive to be different. You pegged me. That is how God made me, and if He wants me to stop being this way then He will change my heart. Til then I'll be the attention-whore, bleeding heart lunatic that I am. Thank you, Goodnight.

1 comment:

Erin said...

Excuse the Southern lady coming out of me, but sweetheart there is nothing wrong with wanting to be known. In fact, the Lord created us that way. But most of all He wants that insatiable desire you have to connect w/others to be directed toward Him. The computer is a huge distraction for me sometimes and I have prayed for displine to not spend endless amount of time on it. Instead I spend that time praying, reading the Bible, listening to God, & worshiping Him.