Two is the number of people that have told me I'm the most negative person they know. I wish my first thought had been "you've had a weak sampling of humanity if I'm the worst you know." But instead I was just hurt beyond words. The two will go unnamed but I will say that they both hold places in my life that gave them leverage to really make it deadly to say what was said.

An painfully ironic parallel exist amongst these two. They are both women and they both people I set out to please without reservation. What can I say when my best efforts toward another human being are met with such disapproval. No wonder I've been so isolated the last few months.

In the past I would call this state "being broken" but I'm beginning to think that it is the truth about me and I am just coming to terms with it. I'm not being broken I am broken. I try so hard to live right and it all come crashing down. Something is MISSING!

Now. I've spent the last month under the deepest cloud of depression I have ever known. I'm floundering trying to make a living at something I don't know how to do. I have no friends and I do not exagerate. I have severed every tie in my heart for fear of the rejection-death I have known so well in this life. I can't take any more hurt and my heart is growing cold. I've finally conceded to taking medication, and yes, the symptoms go away if I am faithful to my new god, but the temporary nature of this reprieve tugs at the coattails of my mind.

When my mind is broken and my thoughts only as good as the context they are framed, I face the beast of dreadful nothingness, helpless as a orphan.

Wow, sorry that got dark fast. Anyway, negativity. I had a dream last night and in it I embraced my brokenness, and accepted the futility that I have inherited. I dreamt a moment of peace thereafter.

In simpler terms I think that I need to accept my identity as an addict. Yeah, I do. I have had enough experience to see that I am. Yeah, it's not getting any better. It is not going to go away. I'm tired of fighting it. The outcome really is in God's hands now. I finally am what I am.

Wow, just saying that, it makes the pain of those accusations go away. I am the most negative person. It's true! I am a sex addict, too! A pervert, liar, a greedy little gollum of a man: all me.

If all see what I truly am, the world would certainly turn away from me. A few people have gotten close, and they ran. I have tried to hide and polish up who I really am, my true heart for a long time. I've wanted to make the world think me a great man; I wanted to make them love me. I'm so tired of the charade, so tired of worshipping them. The jig is up. God, have mercy on me a sinner.

Luke 18:9-14


caleb123 said...

Key Ka Ching, if this is Ka Ching, this is Ozkea. I saw your link on Jaimie's blog and thought i'd check it out. I just got to say you've got balls my man. That was some of the most honest, realist shit i've read in a while, and it helped my sanity a little brother.
I feel similiar to you at many times in life, but know that your in prayer. I too have been realizing just how deep my depravity goes and how all i really have is Jesus. you closer to the kingdom than you think.

David said...

thanks to you. it's takes a lot of balls to reach out and connect. Thanks. Really.