Embracing a "career path" in music might be the most elusive thing I have tried to do.

Reasons being:

1.) I haven't got the background. I taught myself most of what I know, and during the tutelage I have recieved I was off in La-la Land.

2.) I don't know what a "musician" does, other than play music. I know I've got that down, but shoot-dang...isn't there more to it?

3.) I haven't got the means for a proper education. I'm broke!

4.) I am about as anti-social as I've ever been. I'm pretty sure this is a networking kind of endeavor.

5.) I feel like a shut-in. Getting out of my apartment is hard enough. How am I gonna make a living publicly exhibiting myself as a piece of art?

Nevertheless, I trudge on. When I started this pursuing the vague idea of professional musicianship perhaps the biggest appeal was the tremendous hurdles that it entails. Maybe I'm addicted to the futility, maybe the challenge. Whatever it may be, I find myself interminably drawn to it.

The fullness of my commitment to music is stifled by one factor: rejection. What happens if I call myself a musician and someone laughs at what i do, or judges me insufficient. I'd be devestated. Much safer to toy with it from the outskirts, saying,"I play music." rather than "I'm a musician."

What is to be gained by claiming it as part of my identity? What is to be gained by putting my entire self into the pursuit? Worst case, I gain the knowledge of what I can really accomplish, for better or worse. If I hold back something I will always wonder if it was the missing piece, the one that would have got me to the goal.

Rewind a second here. There is a part of this whole treatise that has been unaddressed. Terms of success. What constitutes a win in the game of music? Popularity? Wealth? Respect of other musicians? I suppose that I can't answer that without bringing the question into context with Reality as a whole. Jesus, Love, and God's Plan.

What if I do win all those trappings? What is making it big if I lose my soul? The question must change now to,"How can I pursue music in a way that is submissive to God's will?" God is a creative being. Emulating him that way isn't evil, but to what end? Am I building an edifice to Him? How can I?

One thing is certain to me: using music a tool to do anything but glorify God inevitably takes the joy from it. Coming from the standpoint that life in all applications can be worshipful if the application issues from a Spirit-filled heart, I guess that I would need to offer my will up at all time to be traded the Will of God, the Holy Spirit.

For some reason that seems to simple to me. A nice, neat bow on top of this heart-crushing problem. I think this time I'll just take it. I'll just taste and see if the Lord is good.

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