The self circles in on itself, spiraling tighter and tighter, collapsing into infinite futility. The self-imposed moral standards prevent any true accomplishment of love. The only result is self-hatred and thus death. I've been pioneering this darkness and I finally reach its ultimate culmination.
This is how it happened.
It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.
Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned. Hebrews 10:26-31
If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, 27but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. 28Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. 29How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? 30For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," and again, "The Lord will judge his people." 31It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God
I read these verses, took a look at my life, and determined that I may be one who had "enlightened" and then fell away. I had sinned deliberately, sleeping with a girl and rejecting the truth of the cross to resist temptation. The state of my life was one where the fruit of the spirit were not clearly evident. Self-centeredness was the chief trait of my life and acknowledging my destitution of spirit brought out the self-pity.
With no certainty that I was or wasn't the person being described in these passages I fought to "believe". I struggled to claim Christ as my own, yet I constantly questioned myself, saying, "What if you're just lying to yourself so you don't have to face the truth of your fate? Face it: You're doomed. Screwed. You blew it." Thus I confirmed my own fears.
As this struggle continued gradually wearied of the strivings to believe in Jesus' work for me. One night after much agonizing I decided to sit in bathtub and pray. The just-bearable heat of the shower and the pitch black of the bathroom afforded me the perfect stage for what was about to happen.
I screamed to God,"Please help me believe!" I sat there. Only more stony-hearted futility. I felt the darkness encroaching all around. The night terrors that had visited me so many times before reeked of the same stench emmanating from this spiritual place. I contemplated the options as the walls of my reality steadily closed in on me. To continue trying to believe now seemed as preposterous and hopeless as giving in to the flesh that was champing at the bit, waiting to run amok. I then conceded to the ineveitable. I could not control my flesh any longer, I could not "believe" it into submission, and I was irreparably lost. God had left me.
In I went, to the deepest commitment to the flesh. I felt my heart collapse, knowing only terror and stark emptiness, stuck in an endless loop of futility. In the face of crushing loneliness I couldn't cry or even utter a sound. I only sat and stared in shock, knowing that life had left me.
But then, as if there had never been darkness, I knew that God was in control. Out of the impenetrable darkness shone a Light. I knew that He was there, and that because He was there He loved me. I was dead for but a moment, completely crushed by my own weight, then He breathed life into me. Creatio ex nihilo.
I got up out of the bathtub and dried off. The implications of this moment didn't occur for a few weeks. I have been shown exactly what my own abilities are good for. I really believe now at the most fundamental level that God must do everything. As much as I wanted to do what I ought to do, even at a mental level, I could not. My assurance is God's promise, nothing I can do can alter that because He is faithful. I didn't know what a weapon against the attacks of the Devil this harrowing moment in my bathtub would yield, and moreover, what a joy it is to know that I am chosen.
All power really is His. I am His because He plucked me from the pit and shown the faithfulness He promised me. I have been through the bottom and Love is deeper.