SOS

Lord, I'm angry. I don't think actually angry. It's just the level at which I'm registering this emotion. I'm probably sad and hurt. But for the sake for the sake of this conversation I will say I'm angry. I feel like tearing something down. I feel like there is no place for me in this world where I can let it all hang out. I want to open the valve of my heart wide and let it all coming pouring out, but my Christian ideals about how I should I act and worries about what people will think....all the thoughts about how will people will placate me to get me to shut it off. I'm sick of letting it out and having everyone give their empty platitudes. Lord, I feel like we haven't had a talk in so long that hasn't been fettered by doubt. I want to know I can hear you and stop doubt your gentle, comforting voice. I've come to depend on you speaking to me, but with my "hearing abilities" in question I feel hung out to dry. Like the disciples when they said, "to whom will we go, Lord? We've left everything for you, we've got nowhere else to go. There I am. I hate that I'm grieved of my dependence on you. Yes, I know it's redundant. But Lord, You've incited this raging desire for your presence and power and love and now it seems that you've left me with no access to any of it. I don't blame you, well I guess I sort of do. I mean, it's my fault for sure, but I put all my faith in you to give me righteousness and goodness that I long ago realized I couldn't achieve of my own effort, so I guess I do blame you. I at least sit here with a scowl on my face waiting. And even if I am holding myself back from what you are trying to give me, I tell you now, I don't want to! Help me stop hindering myself! I know you took the blame on the cross so we don't need to hash that out again. So. I just want you Lord. I just want you to do miracles through me. I just want you to heal my heart so I can really love people and not feel like a liability waiting to blow up on some one, or step on somebodies toes. Really, honestly, sincerely I tell you this Father: I feel like if I was to say everything that I wanted to in total freedom that I would be outcast from every place on earth. How can I live when I can't open my mouth? I restrain myself so much. I hate it! I hate holding back all the time. I hate being afraid of offending people. In all honesty my frustration about not being to just speak about you all the time is making me very angry at them...and me. And then what have I got to witness? Hate? Dissatisfaction? Anxiety? "Hey everybody! Let me tell about how anxious loving God has made me! Who wants to sign up?"

I'm sorry Lord. You are good. I just don't know what to say. Father I'm so angry and misguided. I need you to set me straight. I know the things I'm saying or out of line, but I can't right myself, so I bring you what I've got. Please work with me. Please honor my honesty. I'm a poor man, I have nothing to offer you. I'm a lowly sinner, I need you mercy. Please be kind to me. I know you will. Help me weep for the overwhelming goodness you show me. You are so beautiful to show me such grace. I'm a bummer of a kid. I hate that I put myself down so much. I know what you think of me, and I know it doesn't line up with this self-pity. But Lord I'm a helpless beggar, with no legs to carry myself to salvation. Please come to me! Oh Father. I'm so sad and hurting. Please comfort me. Please. Please. I want you to hold me and hide me away so I can cry until I'm done crying. Can I scream and beat your chest as you hold me until all my anger goes away? I want to hurt someone for all the hurts that I have in me, will you let me hurt you? Jesus I don't want to but I don't see another way. I don't want to be a savage. I don't want to kill you over and over in my heart with my sins. Jesus. I need you to make me pretty and new. I need you to wash away the ugliness in me. When are you gonna do it? Do I need to know more of how deep and ugly my sin runs? I know more than most and it seems that I haven't even scratched at the surface. When will I be freed from my efforts and burdens? WHEN !?

I don't have the energy for a sustained outburst. I want to be free. Free to be. I just had a taste, but then i get bogged down by the anxiety all around me. I don't know who to trust. I don't know how to trust. I'm still in this big ugly mess making the same tracks in the mud. But no! I'm new. I have the power of faith, the permission to stake my claim on some divine goodness that I don't at all deserve. I deserve it because I take it freely from you! You died for me! oh yes. Okay. This is good. I get it. I can't take comfort from moping any more. No way. You set me free. You did it! I'm holy and blameless and righteous and perfect and lovely and freed from accusation, and it's all a free gift! All because I trust that you did it all for me! Okay. I'm set. Thanks Father. You are so good. You blow my mind. It's like looking the sun. I can't even comprehend you. I love you!

Well...there it went.

I'm married now! The honeymoon phase is still under way. I think it is doubly good because we went through the post-honeymoon-have-a-dose-of-real-life phase already. Phew. Just looking at her makes me weak.

We rode our bicycles 650 miles together before we got married. We unleashed some serious rage on one another. We struggled against the elemental hurdles of life in vast array. The tiredness, the dullness, the frustration and the blaming. We had a deep taste of the harder side of life. Yes, I know, things will get harder. There are always new challenges. But we have seen the Lord carry us through things that should have ruined our relationship, and these trials have bred in us a deeper faith still in Him.

We both felt the will of God was that we get married. We didn't have a lot of support. Mostly raised eyebrows are what we got. From within and without we felt fears and doubt pecking at us periodically. Our parents were supportive.

I've been wounded deeply by the things that have happened in response to my honesty. I have shown that I am who I am, and tried to be transparent. Many people in my life have responded with replies that I am not qualified for the post of "husband". The question resounds violently in my mind. Am I qualified? Am I cut out for the task at hand?

No.

I am not.

Luckily, this is not a problem. My master, Jesus Christ is the one who qualifies me. I step forward into this role and do not fear for the outcome because He has called me to it and though I don't have all the necessary tools to be a husband (or even know what will be required) I trust in the one who does.

That is all I need for anything in this life.

It's funny that I am married now and all my life has changed drastically since even the last post. I am in place I've never been before. I scarcely recognize the face in the mirror these days. And yet I am still the same, because my life is Christ. My destination, the Way, the Truth and the Life are still the same, though the road has become unfamiliar to me.

I had many hopes riding on marriage. I was nursing some fantasy that once I got married it would be the magic spell that would let me relax. Hah. Hah.

I'm am strangely the same as I was before I took my bride. I am glad for it. I realized that I had so much riding on marriage, and now all that hope has been forced to Christ. I think the let down hit me about three weeks before the wedding. Then I trudge toward with this fear that the actual event would be a huge let down. When the day arrived I stepped up to the plate with a resolve. I was ready for marriage because I had to finally put to rest my expectations and I could take whatever it would throw at me in the steadfast love of Jesus. I won't say that it was easy or fun to die to my expectations, but it was good.

I've suffered much from writing honestly and speaking honestly to the people that are in my life, but I have gained much and have been given the assurance the Spirit in me will help me stand in faith in Jesus Christ alone and no good work of my own. What people will say about me is not my concern. I serve God, not men. Humility and meekness are for me a freedom from being judged and ruined by every wayward opinion.

I haven't had a lot of support in the decision to get married. But I have had affirmation from God. Though it may seem foolish, even to me at times, I count the guiding of the Holy Spirit something precious. I want to be serving Him and obedient to Him when the whole world says I'm a lunatic. To know that I could and would stand firm in the Lord even if I stand alone is what I want. To know that I will.

With that I rest my case.

Exponential Growth

God has called me to live a life of unrestrained obedience because I have been shown His goodness. I cannot disobey the Lord when I consider how good and faithful He is, namely in the offering of His son to die to for me and extend to me inalienable salvation.

To know that He is good is to trust him and I do. So I obey Him because I know that He guides me without letting me be misguided and His will is the best for me, because He loves me so much. He gave everything for me to prove it. I trust Him, and now I have the authority to silence all doubt and fear in the name of Jesus, the name of unquenchable, undeniable Love. He has given me all power to overcome because He has already accomplished it all!

The Lord to whom time is a servant has created the world and redeemed it.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart, (which is His heart).